He Said

Forget about him

Stop analysing

Start feeling

Love yourself

Be happy

Coexist

Much realisations about one self that brings great disappointment, self-doubts and fear. You think you're progressing well, getting ahead of everything else only to realise that you're only escaping the other end temporarily. It brings much concern as the inability of expressing yourself or untangling the knot creeps in. The dungeon that you think you've conquered time and again proves you wrong. The sole dungeon keeper is back to question your quest.

Missing - The xx

Jarrod & Rawlins

It was a good evening with good food, good ride, good company, good view, good dessert and good conversation. Sounds like a too good to be true description of one's day. Perhaps you just need a good intention followed by action to make a difference in someone's life.

******
About eight months ago, I was in their shoes, having all these dilemmas and doubts about myself that nudged me every day and night until it was over. I now witness in them, people I have complete faith in going through similar struggle, similar battle. I wish I can make things better, I hope I can do more of the right things to knock the negativity out of them, if there is even a right thing to begin with. But here I realise there is no one ultimate truth. Everyone's journey is a uniquely crafted one, equally special for each one of us. And there is no way that we can walk the journey of somebody else's. I'm grateful that things are how they are at the moment, I would not want it any other way. But may I also wish for a better self, from every little steps that I am committing myself to at the present.

So, what's next?  

Cherry Wine - Hozier

The joke and the laugh

"Being alive is like being lost at sea. The water is never calm and things do get worse with the rain and unpredictable currents. But you keep staying afloat in hopes that you will eventually wash up on shore to find eternal peace and happiness. However, such fortune does not befall any random person and sometimes man grows content with the cruelty and harsh environment of the sea and decides that he no longer needs the land. But in the worst of cases, man finds himself on an island and although surrounded by people, he feels lost as he has grown to be more comfortable with the sea."

A very impromptu passage written by Mr. Omar Khan. A message that didn't mean much initially but connected really well with my subconscious that I sleep text the whole passage the other day. 

We often leave things unsaid, undone and unforgotten. I guess the trick is to dream about them, experience them as it they were real and keep being pushed forward by the positive image in your mind till you make it. Even if you fail, you will clearly remember that image that no one has but you. When needed, it will replay like a roll film.  

Latent

It's in a blur. Ever since the very first time he witnessed a pink flower blossomed in spring. It was the most breathtaking moment he ever had, and he knew at that point that nothing in the world can ever beat that moment. Not even winning the weekend lottery. Nor seeing his wife again. There are certain things in life that cannot be replaced. He knows that absolutely well since the tragedy seven months ago. But he also knows that it is not because it cannot be replaced, but because he refuses it to. He likes how special it made him feel and he likes to think that he was the only person in the whole of Carousel Garden who saw the flower bloomed. Or at least the first. 

One day, he decided to tour the land of Mongolia, where people hunt for a living. He wanted to experience something exciting, crazy, almost going back to his high school days. Jumping on the first flight available, packing in his backpack only three tees, two cargo shorts and five worn out briefs. He couldn't risk losing his expensive silk-made ones. Also, leaving out his comb cause there's no plans of bringing Noelle along. Noelle is his faithful, three-year-old DSLR. . He reached the airport in an hour and his eyes were caught on a kid sucking on a lollipop. He stopped and continued staring at the kid. They both met eyes to eyes, she paused for a moment and walked towards him. She reached out and offered him her lollipop. 

He didn't know what to do. He wanted it so badly because he hadn't had a lollipop for almost half a decade since his wife left him. But he felt awful at the same time, that lollipop didn't belong to him. Perhaps, he would have taken it if he had never witnessed the pink flower blossomed.. 

I Don't Know

There are times I wish I was just deaf, blind, dumb, senseless and heartless. That the strong exterior that most people buy is the true skin that wraps my delicate flesh and nerves and everything else that lives in me. Yes I admit that I wear a mask in front of certain people. And perhaps I should wear a few extra masks when dealing with some. Sometimes, the harsh words that we say only comes back to hurt ourselves, and that makes it hurt way more than we can imagine. It hurts so badly that we just wanna escape that stupid thing that's causing all these miseries. And that's us, our very own selves. We are who we choose to be, we are how we choose to feel, we are what we choose to react upon. I cannot blame anyone but myself. Maybe this is pure bullshit. The world is not turning into robots but more like retarded beings. Those who care for the people continue to get stepped on and shoved to a corner for the menial tasks, those assholic ones handles the majestic role of ordering people around and non-stop manipulation in their every word. I cannot, I cannot handle crap like this. Not anymore. I have been on both ends of the stories and it sucks big time. Then again, maybe this is lethargy, maybe this is selfishness, maybe this is ignorance. I shall take a breather and reconcile things, my thoughts and whatnot tomorrow. As usual, time transitioned so fast we're coming to the middle of the year. I love the things that I do right now, challenges I have never expected. I wish I am stronger. 

Cannonball

He picked up his phone from the ground after dropping it a couple of times through his clumsy fingers and held it to his ear anxiously, hoping that the person on the other side of the line is still holding on to the odd call at three in the morning. He usually goes to bed at eleven but something about that night kept him awake till three. Maybe it's the nap he had in the evening? Maybe it's the four shots of espresso? Maybe.. it is..

"Hell...lo?", the other person replied, cleansing her throat a little at the end. He stoned for a sec. That voice, it sounded familiar but not the first voice he'd expected to hear at such hour. He wouldn't be surprised if it was his wasted brother who goes down to the town bar every Friday Night to meet up with a bunch of losers he calls his buddies. It was a girl this time, and it was her.

"Hi.. Is everything okay?"

"Nothing, it's just.. tonight, something's making me do this. I.. I swear, honestly didn't want to.. Something, something is urging me to dial your number."

A good five and a half seconds of awkward silence passed as if time paused for a breather.

She felt an increasingly burdening load piling on her chest. All she wanted to do was to end the call and scream to the top of her lungs with her head buried tightly under her pillow so as to not disturb her parents and her neighbours. She continued waiting for another good two minutes. Both of them.

And it extended for another five years.

Stretched.

There'll be times you'll just cry so fucking hard for whatever reasons till your head hurts and you feel like you're gonna puke with the taste of food. You make big decisions thinking that you have what it takes. You go into the battlefield with the highest fake arrogance and confidence you could muster within yourself and you preach like you know what you're doing. And then the inquisition comes, there's no running away from it. You know you can't say shit because those people in front of you had been through it all, they KNOW every single move that you trying to take. They have seen it all. If you're tough enough, you'll survive it without a shed of tear. If you're not, you break in front of them. You're stripped down bare till only whatever's left of you. No place to hide, no place to run to. And it doesn't end there. In order to go further, you know you need to keep your head low and ask for feedback. Again, another round of bullets into your chest. You're exhausted, you're fed up with yourselves, you're tired of trying to please everyone, you're just so tempted to be a person with rotten qualities cause it seems so easy to be one, but you can't. you don't want to. You've come too far to go back to where you've moved on from. Funny how we think of convincing others when we can't convince ourselves in the first place. It's ridiculous to do something which you don't have full clarity of. Or at least, that's what others say. I'm never good with verbal communication. It's gonna take quite some time more to see significant outcome. I've been trying I swear. For now, let's just hug the hugeass teddy bear and get some shut eyes. And mind.

The Polar Dream

So I'm sitting here typing in uni alone cause it's the semester break, everyone's out there having fun or back in their hometown and I'm here finishing some tasks before I leave for a long conference tomorrow. I'm really excited, there's gonna be 600 plus delegates. It's simply insane. Thinking back, I'm gonna be facilitating with some of my teammates from my team 'Tiger' last year. How time flies, people changed for the better and now we take the same path of growing further together. I truly hope to plant some seeds and inspire some beans to sprout during this conference. It did wonders to me, I hope the same for others. That's the beauty of being in this organisation.

The thoughts that linger in the air, it comes and goes according to the direction of the wind. You get hold of some and some, it sticks with you like stubborn pollen. One of them speaks, "How do you know if you're happy?" When you're physically alone and you say, I'm comfortable being alone, I'm grateful for the soul given back to me when I woke up this morning, I'm thankful for this very moment that I'm living in and there's nothing more that I could have asked for. People say you're weird but you know that you're unique that way. You're confident being the quirky you because that's who you truly are. You are significantly more vulnerable to certain people compared to others. Funny thing, you're not afraid that they may backstab you because you know that everything is a choice, out of free will. You have chosen this path and you naturally assume responsibility over it. So what's happiness. When a person says, "I'm happy"? To me, being happy comes with gratitude. That way, it's a sustainable form of happiness, a higher form of happiness.

It's a short post cause I'm gonna go back to the 'epic love story' I started reading after a year it being on my shelf. Tata and Happy Chinese New Year, lovelies. :)

She's beautiful, he's beautiful.

But life has its magnificent way of spicing things up. 

A Continuation

So it's the new year. Happy New Year! Everyone's celebrating it with lots of positive zing and hopeful wishes. It's nice to see to a point where you kind of realised that these people who are talking about changes and new beginnings, they're not actually talking about themselves. More like what they expect to get from the new year, from the universe, from the superior being they believe in. For me, I've checked and crossed on the sheet where I wrote my 2013 resolutions on. Realising that a yearly resolution isn't gonna work for me, I did a half-yearly one. I learned about this resolution model from a motivational coach two years ago, it's pretty brilliant as it encompasses all aspects such as studies, finance, mental, etc. instead of the sole aspect which agitates us the most. Writing them down, you realised how weak you are at certain aspects. You realised how lost you are and how much effort you've put into running away from it.

I've come to face my fears, writing things that I'd probably laugh at years later. But I think having the gut to pen it down shows enough interest to give it a try. Looking back, 2013 has been one of the most life-transforming and enriching years. Of course, the active involvement in AIESEC contributed the most to who I am today. I've always been an active participant in clubs and societies, taking up leadership roles since high school. It's not for the extra credits and what not, it's just a channel of spending my time, enriching my experience in the particular educational institution, learning new things, doing things out of the classroom, perhaps meeting new people too. I'm grateful for all the doors opened for me, the genuine souls I met, the nurturing hearts I've connected with, the generous people who embraced my unique personality and the lovely companion at all moments.

January, faced with exam and attended MyLDS. Dramatic me on one of the nights during the conference, I'm truly glad that I let myself loose and share the challenges I was facing. At the end of it, I was motivated to take up more challenges instead of the initial thought of quitting. Then comes the festive season, the usual overeating and meet-ups with friends and relatives. I got myself a smartphone too XD. Elections was nerve-wrecking, glad I passed and given the chance to experience this learning pathway. Attended SEA Congress in April, where I met lovely people from the whole SEA region. It's amazing how we still keep in touch and buzz each other every now and then. Studies got more hectic nearing the middle of the year, glad I passed all my modules. If you're wondering if pharmacy is tough, it is. I don't know, maybe it's my bad habits. Throughout the year, I've met many new people and bid farewell to many as well. The beautiful thing in each relationship you build is the memories you leave behind, it's never really gone. Attended more local conferences, this time playing a different role of the driver instead of the receiver, jumped into a random opportunity of facilitating for the very first time and man, at such lovely venue; Port Dickson beach! Speaking of randomness, the most random thing of 2013 was the honour of organising the 45th Anniversary of AIESEC Malaysia. The most intensed, stressed, craziest two months the team had experienced which bonded us so tightly. And I can safely say that my 20th birthday was over-celebrated and exaggerated. Seriously YOLO or what those people. But grateful, I really appreciate every surprise, effort, wish, gift, love, care and blessing showered upon me. I don't know what I've done to deserve all that but it made me more determined to give back more this year. Thank you to everyone who has played a part in enriching my 2013 and it shall continue on with greater force in 2014. Let's live it to the fullest! :)

Lessons of 2013
#1 Friends who bring you out for dinner and willingly be your driver are super rare
#2 Everything you do involves commitment, there's no reason of being afraid of it
#3 Love is a verb, not a feeling
#4 It's okay to not have a passion, but not discipline
#5 Stop running away
#6 Take the things you do seriously, not yourself
#7 Being able to give is a gift

We've come too far to give up who we are

So let's raise the bar and our cups to the stars