Gentle like a butterfly's wings

The people you never hear from, are the ones you yearn for the most.

Never let the ones close to you go unnoticed, taken for granted and feel underappreciated. Times and again, I can't help but notice the tendency in people to reconnect or reconcile before a farewell. Is it the potential of permanent absence that sprouts that tinge of regret and urgency in us hence, we feel somewhat obligated to take that uncomfortable step out of our comfort zone. Or is it our not-so-little egoistic self hindering us from being vulnerable and kind all this while.

It is true that the impact of losses weighs more than the pleasure from the same magnitude of gains.

When facing gains, we are risk-averse creatures, almost always opting the sure option rather than the pain of going through the gamble to grab the grand prize. How lowly we value ourselves, our self-esteem, our tenacity to overcome challenges. Perhaps, we have conformed too much to the perception of what the society considers as 'normal'. Centuries ago, interaction between opposite sexes is a taboo and punishable in some communities. Yet today, we are labelled as old-fashioned and conservative for such behaviours. Those who claims to be updated with the current issues and trends, are they really so?

The true north depends on which perspective you're describing it from.

In preparing for my exchange presentation about Malaysia, I can't help but feel overly dependent on the internet to source for information which I am skeptical about. As much as we stand for the benefits technology has endow us, let's not forget what it has replaced in exchange for convenience and access to abundance of information which we may or may not utilise in the first place. I wish to speak the truth but something tells me that the truth doesn't stand true eternally.

What would you suffer for?

Today marks the end of our study term in the university. The past months, everybody has been exceptionally sentimental, taking more photos than usual with friends and lecturers, going for outings more avidly even when we're in the midst of mid term and assignments. There was just this sudden change of vibe in the air and in everybody. Looking at the whole scene from afar, it really made me think, "What made them behave like that?", "Why the sudden change?", " Is it regret, denial or something else that fueled these actions?" It really was a different sight and I am intrigued to understand it.

I was never one who belongs to one pack and stay comfy in there. I definitely wished that I have had a closer relationship with my coursemates from the beginning but as time passes, it was a decision I consciously make and accountable for. That I am okay alone, that it is not bizarre to have your own plans and not stick to the same lunch buddies every single day. Of course, there are downsides of being a lone ranger like missing out on the latest tips on exams and stuffs. But it's okay, I just have to work a little harder (not very smart but yea). Five years ago, the naive me was disturbed with this harsh reality that being different or "unique" is going to make one an ostracised, miserable, lonely child but evidently, I grew out of it. I decided to prioritise other things and mingle with a different set of friends too in the process. Looking back, there's no regret but I could have managed it better. By 'it', I meant my relationship with people.

This is a letter to my coursemates of four/five years,

It is a fact that I like all of you dearly. I guess I have learned to accept you and people in general for who you are and always see the good side of things. I learned so much from just observing how you have changed over the years. What I am most amazed by is the level of leadership within our batch. There were just so much going on because people are speaking up, initiating ideas and plans, taking the lead to translate ideas into actions and as a result, good times and fond memories are created. It is such a joy to see really. One thing that never changed is your overflowing of kindness. I can confidently say that the pharmacy school community is the kindest and most selfless one in the entire university that I have come across with. I am thankful for the times that you have randomly asked me to join you for lunch or trips to Janda Baik or Cameron Highlands. Also the efforts to keep me awake during lectures. Then there are a few who constantly engage everyone by making jokes, asking random questions or simply standing next to me while waiting to enter the lecture theater so I won't feel left out. It's all these little quirks and acts of care and love that enabled us to be vulnerable and more connected with each other.

At this point, I think everyone sort of feel the same mixed feelings; excited to sit for our final examination in university, motivated to do our best this last couple of months, worried about our job posting and career path, clueless of what our options are, doubtful of our capabilities compared to the market's expectations, anxious of leaving this worry-free student life bubble and perhaps very dreadful to step out into the crude working life. Whatever it is that you may be feeling, it is okay. As crucial as all these decisions may seem, slow down, take time and reflect. We have just spent five years of our lives in university. That's a really long time. Long enough to cause anyone to feel so comfortable and reluctant to move on to something new. So just shut your mind from all external voices and listen to your own voice for a moment.

We often come across articles about doing the job that makes you happy so you would never have to work a single day of your life. However, when that source of happiness is no longer there, does that mean that there's no point going on doing that job? Thus, instead of thinking of what makes you happy because I'm sure there are a lot of things that make us happy or neutral, think about what you are willing to SUFFER for. By doing this, you would figure out what you are truly determined to pursue. The fact is that we are all humans, we try our best to avoid pain and suffering. Because of this, we always do ourselves injustice by accepting what we don't deserve. How many of us can relate to this, "I don't mind doing this, It's not my first choice/I didn't know what to do but this is fine too." We will become more complacent if we don't start taking charge of our lives.

I love you all and I truly wish the best in everything that you choose to do. Most importantly, choose your battles wisely and may you arise better versions of yourself every day!

Always keeping you in prayers,
Canny

P.S. I'm not a sadist/masochist. LOL.

Have a read. :)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-manson/the-most-important-question_b_4269161.html

Let There Be Love

It has been almost four months since I was discharged of my duties in AIESEC. During my service, I often dread the thought of having to move on to a new routine and get to know a new bunch of people right from the start. Well, when you belong to an organisation, it easy to think that we were all like-minded and assume that we all have the same intention and headed towards the same direction. On the other hand, when you're alone, representing solely yourself after three years of living in the same peculiar bubble, succumbing to the temptation of falling into another bubble is a commonplace sight.

First week into my my final year as a pharmacy student, I was afraid. I was afraid of screwing up, I was tired of trying to fit in knowing it's already too late, it's freaking final year already, I was cautious not to bump into familiar faces so I didn't have to face questions or rather remarks like "How's life after AIESEC?", "So you must be very free now" or "You look happier now". I really wish to know what were they thinking when they said such things, what was the intention behind those premature deductions. Were there something I could help them with? If yes, how?

Second week, things were pacing up. Final year project is at the top of everybody's mind. Mine, was going in all direction but right. I'm somewhat grateful that this happened to the bunch of us four because we started communicating more and worked hand-in-hand to overcome the situation. Hopefully things get better after the commitment declaration-ish discussion we had with our supervisor the other day. This incident also showed me how easily one blames another when faced with challenges. Perhaps it's due to the sudden irrational burst of emotions mixed with disappointment but quickly, sensibility filled in and we continued progressing forward. I'm also glad that I joined the barbecue at Sepang Gold Coast over the weekend. Have always missed class outings due to other commitments.

The start of the third week brings a whole new set of vibe for some reason. I had a list of behavioural changes I wanted to implement immediately. That feeling of #yolo and #ifnotnowwhen. I felt like I was observing for too long and way too many people that I began to lose sight of myself and what I really want. I'm tired of overthinking. I want to be tired of doing instead. It's funny how people and things around you start to change for the better as well when you take that little step to improve. Baby steps, goes a long way. Though it has only been a week, I feel great physically especially, not so initially of course. I was living a  terribly sedentary lifestyle for the past two years. Now, I have a goal to work towards, support system by my side and attractive view every time I hit the gym. Lol.

I don't know why I started typing about my personal life, usually it's something super generic or fiction-like but I guess it's a side effect of me trying to be a little fearless? :D. Can't do shit with fear in our way all the time, can we. Anyways, I really hope that more people can live a life true to themselves and serve a purpose of their own which they are truly proud of. I wish everyone peace, love and understanding. :)

I hope the weather is calm

As you sail up your heavenly stream

Suspended clear in the sky

Are the words that we sing in our dreams

Let There Be Love - Oasis

Mystery Ride

A wanton decision. A week of planning. Two countries. Eleven days of adventure. 

Being away, or rather getting away can be therapeutic especially when you have been cemented on one spot and wrapped up in the same bubble for too long. You stop growing, mentally and spiritually. All of your energy, attention and time are channeled into that one matter you commit yourself to. Instead of being swamped by sheer clarity and conviction, your sight is clouded with more questions and possibilities. The urge to seek and unravel your true potential. 

A getaway was all I needed. 

I thought it would be beneficial or even enlightening to breathe a different air, to see the unusual and to live the unconventional. As the saying goes, we only realise the absence of and appreciate what we have once they're lost, don't we. Now that there isn't a particular pressure source and assigned mission, I am like a kite in the air, swaying freely but in no ways, in the invisible path that is proudly my own. Then again, I believe it is not an entirely negative notion. Like the water, it is flexible, ever changing yet changeless, adopting the shape of any container, brook or cranny. One of the many things I need to learn and inherent. 

A humbling and challenging experience it was. 

Throughout the trip, I am constantly reminded of how grateful I am for being blessed with all I have. Beyond that, I truly care about these people. Despite the furiosity at certain times when I was treated undeservingly, I try to understand how difficult it must be to start from scratch after the crude Pol Pot regime era and also the typhoon. Some of them are still trying hard to locate their families and many children are without parents. The advancing tourism sector mostly benefits people with close proximity to touristic spots and protected buildings hence, the income distribution widely differs across different status depending on their skills and occupation. I truly admire their determination and perseverance. 

There is so much to say but mostly feelings that I wish more people would acquire when they visit the country themselves. It was more than a getaway that I desired, it was a life lesson and beautiful discovery. 

Cheesy

Remember the time you were worried about how you would look on prom night. Fear of being called on stage by your best buds to put you on the spot and be embarrassed in front of the girl you have had a liking for throughout the entire year. A mixture of fear and excitement filled your body and soul nights or even weeks before the big day. You kept playing in your mind how the night would turn out to be, how you would greet her by the staircase, how you would smile without looking too over the moon, what to say if you bump into her at the hallway or whether you should put your hands in your pockets or hold them in front. Thoughts, they run like wildfire in your little fragile head.

Years have gone by. Changes are evident. You have lesser hair, shinier forehead and seemingly smaller body frame than you used to. What could have stayed the same? Our first exchange of words felt like a fresh breath of air I have never encountered nor expected. I couldn't put my finger on whether I like it or not but one thing for sure, I wanted more of it. It sparked my curiosity and once again, I am on a valiant journey of comprehension and understanding.

Many people I have come across with couldn't comprehend why is it such a significant matter when I choose to know a person deeply. It is significant when it is mutual understanding, effort and intentions. A friend from afar helped me confirm this realisation; think about this, how often do you meet someone so attractive, who gets you on your feet to strike up a conversation with them. For me, hardly. Call me picky, ignorant or selective in admitting people into my social circle but I'm a tad more sensitive and an overthinker whenever I'm showered with attention and treatments that surpass what I think I deserve. I guess it boils down to intention. Make it clear and life will be easier! :)

Side note. The long awaited getaway-cum-self reflection is finally near. I wish to make the most out of it, cherish every moment and live every differences. Whatever the result is on the tenth, I will embrace it and move on for the better.

Oh how do I thank every brilliant soul who have made my life so beautiful and lovely. God bless. Oh and happy August! ♥

Promise - Ben Howard

Jarrod & Rawlins

It was a good evening with good food, good ride, good company, good view, good dessert and good conversation. Sounds like a too good to be true description of one's day. Perhaps you just need a good intention followed by action to make a difference in someone's life.

******
About eight months ago, I was in their shoes, having all these dilemmas and doubts about myself that nudged me every day and night until it was over. I now witness in them, people I have complete faith in going through similar struggle, similar battle. I wish I can make things better, I hope I can do more of the right things to knock the negativity out of them, if there is even a right thing to begin with. But here I realise there is no one ultimate truth. Everyone's journey is a uniquely crafted one, equally special for each one of us. And there is no way that we can walk the journey of somebody else's. I'm grateful that things are how they are at the moment, I would not want it any other way. But may I also wish for a better self, from every little steps that I am committing myself to at the present.

So, what's next?  

Cherry Wine - Hozier

The joke and the laugh

"Being alive is like being lost at sea. The water is never calm and things do get worse with the rain and unpredictable currents. But you keep staying afloat in hopes that you will eventually wash up on shore to find eternal peace and happiness. However, such fortune does not befall any random person and sometimes man grows content with the cruelty and harsh environment of the sea and decides that he no longer needs the land. But in the worst of cases, man finds himself on an island and although surrounded by people, he feels lost as he has grown to be more comfortable with the sea."

A very impromptu passage written by Mr. Omar Khan. A message that didn't mean much initially but connected really well with my subconscious that I sleep text the whole passage the other day. 

We often leave things unsaid, undone and unforgotten. I guess the trick is to dream about them, experience them as it they were real and keep being pushed forward by the positive image in your mind till you make it. Even if you fail, you will clearly remember that image that no one has but you. When needed, it will replay like a roll film.  

Latent

It's in a blur. Ever since the very first time he witnessed a pink flower blossomed in spring. It was the most breathtaking moment he ever had, and he knew at that point that nothing in the world can ever beat that moment. Not even winning the weekend lottery. Nor seeing his wife again. There are certain things in life that cannot be replaced. He knows that absolutely well since the tragedy seven months ago. But he also knows that it is not because it cannot be replaced, but because he refuses it to. He likes how special it made him feel and he likes to think that he was the only person in the whole of Carousel Garden who saw the flower bloomed. Or at least the first. 

One day, he decided to tour the land of Mongolia, where people hunt for a living. He wanted to experience something exciting, crazy, almost going back to his high school days. Jumping on the first flight available, packing in his backpack only three tees, two cargo shorts and five worn out briefs. He couldn't risk losing his expensive silk-made ones. Also, leaving out his comb cause there's no plans of bringing Noelle along. Noelle is his faithful, three-year-old DSLR. . He reached the airport in an hour and his eyes were caught on a kid sucking on a lollipop. He stopped and continued staring at the kid. They both met eyes to eyes, she paused for a moment and walked towards him. She reached out and offered him her lollipop. 

He didn't know what to do. He wanted it so badly because he hadn't had a lollipop for almost half a decade since his wife left him. But he felt awful at the same time, that lollipop didn't belong to him. Perhaps, he would have taken it if he had never witnessed the pink flower blossomed.. 

Cannonball

He picked up his phone from the ground after dropping it a couple of times through his clumsy fingers and held it to his ear anxiously, hoping that the person on the other side of the line is still holding on to the odd call at three in the morning. He usually goes to bed at eleven but something about that night kept him awake till three. Maybe it's the nap he had in the evening? Maybe it's the four shots of espresso? Maybe.. it is..

"Hell...lo?", the other person replied, cleansing her throat a little at the end. He stoned for a sec. That voice, it sounded familiar but not the first voice he'd expected to hear at such hour. He wouldn't be surprised if it was his wasted brother who goes down to the town bar every Friday Night to meet up with a bunch of losers he calls his buddies. It was a girl this time, and it was her.

"Hi.. Is everything okay?"

"Nothing, it's just.. tonight, something's making me do this. I.. I swear, honestly didn't want to.. Something, something is urging me to dial your number."

A good five and a half seconds of awkward silence passed as if time paused for a breather.

She felt an increasingly burdening load piling on her chest. All she wanted to do was to end the call and scream to the top of her lungs with her head buried tightly under her pillow so as to not disturb her parents and her neighbours. She continued waiting for another good two minutes. Both of them.

And it extended for another five years.

A Continuation

So it's the new year. Happy New Year! Everyone's celebrating it with lots of positive zing and hopeful wishes. It's nice to see to a point where you kind of realised that these people who are talking about changes and new beginnings, they're not actually talking about themselves. More like what they expect to get from the new year, from the universe, from the superior being they believe in. For me, I've checked and crossed on the sheet where I wrote my 2013 resolutions on. Realising that a yearly resolution isn't gonna work for me, I did a half-yearly one. I learned about this resolution model from a motivational coach two years ago, it's pretty brilliant as it encompasses all aspects such as studies, finance, mental, etc. instead of the sole aspect which agitates us the most. Writing them down, you realised how weak you are at certain aspects. You realised how lost you are and how much effort you've put into running away from it.

I've come to face my fears, writing things that I'd probably laugh at years later. But I think having the gut to pen it down shows enough interest to give it a try. Looking back, 2013 has been one of the most life-transforming and enriching years. Of course, the active involvement in AIESEC contributed the most to who I am today. I've always been an active participant in clubs and societies, taking up leadership roles since high school. It's not for the extra credits and what not, it's just a channel of spending my time, enriching my experience in the particular educational institution, learning new things, doing things out of the classroom, perhaps meeting new people too. I'm grateful for all the doors opened for me, the genuine souls I met, the nurturing hearts I've connected with, the generous people who embraced my unique personality and the lovely companion at all moments.

January, faced with exam and attended MyLDS. Dramatic me on one of the nights during the conference, I'm truly glad that I let myself loose and share the challenges I was facing. At the end of it, I was motivated to take up more challenges instead of the initial thought of quitting. Then comes the festive season, the usual overeating and meet-ups with friends and relatives. I got myself a smartphone too XD. Elections was nerve-wrecking, glad I passed and given the chance to experience this learning pathway. Attended SEA Congress in April, where I met lovely people from the whole SEA region. It's amazing how we still keep in touch and buzz each other every now and then. Studies got more hectic nearing the middle of the year, glad I passed all my modules. If you're wondering if pharmacy is tough, it is. I don't know, maybe it's my bad habits. Throughout the year, I've met many new people and bid farewell to many as well. The beautiful thing in each relationship you build is the memories you leave behind, it's never really gone. Attended more local conferences, this time playing a different role of the driver instead of the receiver, jumped into a random opportunity of facilitating for the very first time and man, at such lovely venue; Port Dickson beach! Speaking of randomness, the most random thing of 2013 was the honour of organising the 45th Anniversary of AIESEC Malaysia. The most intensed, stressed, craziest two months the team had experienced which bonded us so tightly. And I can safely say that my 20th birthday was over-celebrated and exaggerated. Seriously YOLO or what those people. But grateful, I really appreciate every surprise, effort, wish, gift, love, care and blessing showered upon me. I don't know what I've done to deserve all that but it made me more determined to give back more this year. Thank you to everyone who has played a part in enriching my 2013 and it shall continue on with greater force in 2014. Let's live it to the fullest! :)

Lessons of 2013
#1 Friends who bring you out for dinner and willingly be your driver are super rare
#2 Everything you do involves commitment, there's no reason of being afraid of it
#3 Love is a verb, not a feeling
#4 It's okay to not have a passion, but not discipline
#5 Stop running away
#6 Take the things you do seriously, not yourself
#7 Being able to give is a gift

We've come too far to give up who we are

So let's raise the bar and our cups to the stars

Say Something

I've been stalling, wandering around  the same spot for way too long. I know that I need to move to a fresh new spot and start a whole new journey. Well, at least that is what some people who care for me seemed to want for myself. But that isn't what I want at the moment, fortunate or unfortunately. There's nothing I would dare to wish for anymore because wishing only gives you hope. And sometimes, hope brings you nowhere.

I had a conversation with a friend by chance the other day. He said, the answers are in all of us. It is us whom let ourselves into the state of not knowing. We deny ourselves, we disregard the only person we have known all our lives, we choose to put ourselves lower than anything that we seek comfort from. And we choose to let fate decide by tossing the coin. 

If I have to only choose one thing that I learn from my mom on a daily basis, it would be the fact that "It is a gift to be able to give". I didn't quite understand that when I was four. Gradually, mostly from observation of her actions, it became a part of me. I find joy and gratitude for everything I am and have when I am able to give. Frankly, how people react to it sometimes pisses me off. I refused to accept that there are people who use people. How naive. But this very meaningful phrase melts the frustration away every time, you can't give something away if you don't have it. So give others what you choose for yourself. 

Leading Light.

Awegurls. LOL.

Festive season. Family dinners. Movie plans. Random hang-outs. Chit-chat session in the car. On the couch. Awesome food. Crazy laughters. Motherly advices from a not-so-motherly figure. Awkward moments. Funny teasings. What else. Jubilant snaps. And all the unspeakable, if there is.

You don't know how much something means to you until you lose it, as clichéd as it sounds. But it's true. Not that I don't appreciate what I have but it's the realisation that the time is here and I have no excuses but to face it. It's not as difficult now, it's been quite some occurrences. Or maybe it's because there was a proper goodbye. It's really comforting to know that your relationship is still as warm as it used to be although you don't spend much time updating each other about everything. It's one of those connections that you say yeah, I can be friends with this fella. Like buddies. I can say all I want and not worry if I'm gonna be judged. Maybe I will but well, it doesn't matter, there's too much to remember anyway.  

And then, there are also other forms of friendships where you say, yeap we're friends. But you hold back, you're not as blunt and crazy as you can be with some. Everything just seems, composed. Your thoughts, actions, requests, everything. Cause you don't wanna involve too much emotions into it. You try not to make a fool out of yourself. Embarrassing blunders and stuffs. You try to spend as little time as possible, saying don't cross it. But still, you hope that things will turn out better as time goes by cause everyone deserves the same equal chance, until they disregard it. 

Human interactions are really interesting. You could tell so much by just observing. Makes you value and put in more effort into yours more. Happy August. :)

America

We see, we hear, we feel different natures of things every day. But we don't always realise it. To acknowledge and respond to changes requires effort. It is an act of will. One does not passively look at another person and the words 'you're beautiful' slips out of his tongue. No. The image of that beautiful lady must have induced an electrical impulse at the back of his retina which is then transferred to the higher centre of the nervous system, the upside down image inverted to the right orientation and interpreted as a beautiful sight and then off it fires another impulse to the speech centre and the lips mouth the shape of those words and vibrations from the larynx surfaces as his voice. The world has no one true book of rules to be abided by but humans, why do we have to act in a certain biological procedures in order to prolong the continuity of our existence on this earth that was once believed to be a flat plane and because of that strong-head belief, Galileo was sent to imprisonment. Centuries ago, professions like lawyers, insurance agents, policemen and bankers didn't exist, you can say that things were horribly bad and out of control. But look at us now, are we any better? The fact that there weren't those specified people to carry out their specified job descriptions simply tells us that people back then were much more capable of settling matters out on their own, through compromise, understanding and productive debates. Unlike today, we hire someone, pay them a substantial amount of money and we sit back letting them do the 'dirty' job. Where do we go from here, really.

It really upsets my mind to think about reaching for my dreams sometimes. Of course, it's fluffy stuffs that others will immediately stereotype you for for being ambitious, or rather, different. They look at you like you're a different species or someone whom they used to know but turned out to be far from what they imagined you to be, external factors they blame. At the back of your mind, you think, am I still going to fit in here. As a toddler, you grow out of your three-year-old clothes when you barely reached four. And it's okay, that's acceptable. How is it different here, you may wonder. Mindset. A darn f*ed up one. It's funny how many are fooled by my exterior that I subconsciously try to portray while less than a handful could spot me out after a few observations. Truth to be told, I care nothing about dreams and goals, screw getting good grades and a high-paying job. 'You are a natural procrastinator,' one said. I couldn't agree more. I could imagine myself at the edge of life, it's not the strings of award and recognition that I'll care about, but the person holding my hand at my death bed. The person who will smile crookedly while shedding tears and he'll tell me this, 'I'm okay, go in peace,' ..simply because, we've practised it a million times throughout our lives being together. We know that there is no 'forever' between us. Love doesn't make us immortal, it keeps us alive. And to feel alive, you need to be constantly at the edge of it. You need to keep fighting for what you deserve.

I'll read this tomorrow morning and wonder who typed this. Good day, mates.

Clouds and shimmers.

Clouds and shimmers. Clouds and shimmers. Just so random. Life's been good and bad, learning from the hard way, overwhelmed by emotions that are not usually present, meeting random people, taking up challenges as they come, embracing new experiences, putting aside tasks that don't worth the time yet, going against current, going with current, brushing up on a skill, indulging in long-abandoned interest and planning for an escape. Still working on the great escape. Too little time has been allocated to type things down into concrete legible words. Perhaps it's a good thing, perhaps not. But it's a fast-paced world we're living in. Even the worms and the birds spend more time out of their shelter. Everyone's rushing against time. Time, it is what separates the mindful and the oblivious, the successful and the contemplating. It feels so good getting to take a break at last, get my head off exams. But for once, life didn't just stop there with absolutely nothing in hand. In fact, more is up. It feels hectic, stressful and crazy but when you look back at all the effort you've put into it, the outcome and the satisfaction, the meaning behind those effort, it isn't what it used to be. It's indescribable. It's just, different. It's something so organic you can't imagine what it would turn out into.

It's like when you meet someone new, a stranger. Some, you could talk endlessly like you've been besties for years. Some, you just wouldn't go any further than a neutral handshake. You may immediately think that those are the outcomes of your little effort you've invested with 'all your courage' kind of thing. They aren't. There's is no true 'end' outcome to anything. Nothing is ever an end to anything. I learned that the hard way but I'm thankful I did. It may sound really abstract but think about it. Perspective. Parents, they often think of life with the end in mind but children, youths, they look at life with the beginning in mind. It makes a whole lot of difference.

And this post has no true end to it.

Clouds and shimmers. :)

Night Air

The calm of the ocean, lasted for a decade and a quarter. Not one soul encountered. Nothing surprising. It was an isolated island hidden in the proud shadow of a cluster of beautiful islands with softer sand and bluer water. She literally has never seen daylight until one day, an adventurous explorer-cum-island hopper rowed his overweighted kayak to the back of the giants out of sheer curiosity; and he found her. It was a moment of the most complicated concoction of feelings experienced: joy, excitement, sympathy, confusion, apprehension and of course, curiosity. He believed that everything has its own story to tell but this one, he foresee a rough, challenging journey if he were to persevere to the core of it. He didn't had a plan at that moment, he's just done the south eastern of Africa a week back anyway. So he thought, why not give it a try. Little did he know that his overweighted kayak wasn't going to be sufficient for the duration he was about to endure. She didn't welcome him very well for the first two weeks of his exploration but as he discovered every way to go about with her, he began to enjoy it. The best part was, she, too, began to sprout interest in this mischievous, witty gentleman. She noticed even his slightest quirk, like removing his watch when he needed to write and boy, he hardly removed his spectacles except at night when he goes to bed. As they grew closer, commitment assumingly increases too and nature took its turn to be a pain in the neck. They both experienced the longest period of remorse, incomprehension and devastation of their lives. Being an explorer, he always knew that he has a choice to control his destiny. Hence, he left the island.

We always focus on the start and the end of things. Monday sucks. TGIF. But what happens in the middle. It's the part which matters the most. It's the part if changed, could change the ending entirely. It's the peak of the learning curve. It's everything but the end.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

Night air has the strangest flavour

Space to breathe it, time to savour

Night Air - Jamie Woon

Run

Do things that you never thought that you'll ever do. When something scares you, you know you're doing it right, you know you're living life to your fullest potential. You don't need to plan it all to make it work cause plans are dead. Now, I can proudly share if I were asked how it feels like donating a part of myself. The red bloody connective tissue that does everything it has to to keep me alive. Although it started off as a not so good experience but it became one that was even more memorable than the crazy deed itself. I am grateful for the ever so caring and loving people by my side who knows me and what I need better than I do sometimes.

And three whole days of Health Promotion Campaign could really open your eyes to more things that you'll ever learn in a year of lectures. Things that I call the 'real stuffs out there'. The people, they're real. Their stories, the look on their faces when they express those words, the burning desire to know more and to be reassured. I'm glad to have been exposed to this side of the profession that I've chosen. And the indescribable feeling of satisfaction working and spending more than 12 hours a day with my fellow batch mates and the seniors. They're an awesome bunch. It's a shame that we only have such brief moments with each other before some of them leave to UK. Nevertheless, the connection was strong and a comprehensive one. No one could understand this part of our uni life better than they do really.

This evening, I am glad to have the opportunity to listen to Orla Meade, Unilever's HR Head of Singapore. It was a privilege speaking to her and she said, studying something and doing something in life doesn't have to be the same thing. Love her Irish accent. Okay gotta pack, off to Penang tomorrow. Teehee.

Love, peace and understanding.

A different kind of love

I can't blog as often anymore cause priority setting has leaped into the picture and it's taking up a bigger role than I imagined it would. Not that having quality alone time is of no importance anymore but it has to be done faster, more productive. It's true that productivity is not determined by the amount of time you put into doing something but how much effort you put into that duration. Something Puan Giam wrote in my little notebook in standard six. I didn't quite understand how it would relate to life or in what context it can be applied but now, light-bulb moments!

Right now, doing what I sign myself up for without expecting much in return at first, if this is not it then I don't know what is. Even if it's not, every experience is worth the try. It's totally different and this is what I wanted. Things HAVE to be different in order to obtain that something different that I'm searching for. It's a crazy thing to jump into an unfamiliar, ever-changing ocean without a plan but it's crazier to tie yourself to the railway track and pray for miracles.

Yesterday was a good day with the family in Port Dickson. What's better was having a good read under the humble shade of a coconut tree on the sandy beach. Triple goodness is what I call it.

"You had many more years," he said.

"I didn't want them."

"But they wanted you. Time is not something you give back. The very next moment may be an answer to your prayer. To deny that is to deny the most important part of the future."

"What's that?"

"Hope."

The shame welled up inside her, and once again, she wept. She missed her mother more than ever.

"I'm so sorry," Sarah gasped, tears pouring down her cheeks.

"It's just felt like. . . the end."

"Ends are for yesterdays, not tomorrows."

Dor waved a hand, and the street dissolved into sand. The skies turned a midnight purple, filled with countless stars.

"There is more for you to do in this life, Sarah Lemon."

-an excerpt from The Timekeeper by Mitch Albom.

May you all have a wonderful Monday.
Happy April!
And peace, love and understanding. Always. :)

Leaving

Often times, we try very hard to be acknowledged, to be appreciated or to be accepted. We're so persistent in standing our ground and fighting for what we have always believed in but really, we have to know when to stop. If you're not given a chance or you're not being appreciated, leave. If you continue holding on, you're only going to miss out on more stuffs in life.

TGIM! :)

New

Every once in a while, you screw up. Doesn't matter on what magnitude. After some time, after a period, a transition, you'll realise that it's totally fine. Well it is still something that affects you but you grow out of it, sometimes it only takes you seconds of the right thoughts. Cause you know the fact that you're not in it alone. It's quite comforting to hear whispers in your little heart being spoken aloud by others, reassuring yourself that you're only human. And acceptance, it's one very magical and powerful thing amigos. Fearlessness and acceptance.

The next few days will be a cocktail of pressure cooker, out on the beach sweetness, warfare adrenaline rush, boardroom professionalism, kindergarten excitement, anything you let yourself to be I guess.

Dream.

..till it scares you. 

;)

80-20

Howdy. The past four days were awesome. Every once in a while, it's good to have a getaway to recharge and come back fresh. To come back to what you left undone, unfinished, untouched, it's not really something I look forward to but it's not a choice I get to ponder on, is it. On the way home, the thought of just letting everything go and start anew somewhere else, doing something completely different flooded my mind like a tsunami. It's not just leaving things that's not in my favour but everything; likes and dislikes, needs and wants, past and present and perhaps, a potential future that's shining my way. To walk away from something you don't know the outcome, it kills for most of us.

Seeing how different things are elsewhere, it opens your eyes. You're less hard-headed and more grateful and forgiving. You learn to mould a mind that's understanding, peaceful and more aware of indifferent situations. We don't realise what we're gaining and losing every day but thoughts are the one thing we all possess no matter how restless we feel. We just need to have the right one at the right time.

"That was the worst thing about growing older. That was the worst thing of all. Realising that you could keep living without anyone, when it came to the crunch, when it came to goodbye and good luck, take care of yourself and let's be friends, realising that we are ultimately alone, taking our pleasures where we can. - Rory"

What's a good day without a good laugh. They're always around you, doing things they don't want their future children to find out. Haha ciao.