Gentle like a butterfly's wings

The people you never hear from, are the ones you yearn for the most.

Never let the ones close to you go unnoticed, taken for granted and feel underappreciated. Times and again, I can't help but notice the tendency in people to reconnect or reconcile before a farewell. Is it the potential of permanent absence that sprouts that tinge of regret and urgency in us hence, we feel somewhat obligated to take that uncomfortable step out of our comfort zone. Or is it our not-so-little egoistic self hindering us from being vulnerable and kind all this while.

It is true that the impact of losses weighs more than the pleasure from the same magnitude of gains.

When facing gains, we are risk-averse creatures, almost always opting the sure option rather than the pain of going through the gamble to grab the grand prize. How lowly we value ourselves, our self-esteem, our tenacity to overcome challenges. Perhaps, we have conformed too much to the perception of what the society considers as 'normal'. Centuries ago, interaction between opposite sexes is a taboo and punishable in some communities. Yet today, we are labelled as old-fashioned and conservative for such behaviours. Those who claims to be updated with the current issues and trends, are they really so?

The true north depends on which perspective you're describing it from.

In preparing for my exchange presentation about Malaysia, I can't help but feel overly dependent on the internet to source for information which I am skeptical about. As much as we stand for the benefits technology has endow us, let's not forget what it has replaced in exchange for convenience and access to abundance of information which we may or may not utilise in the first place. I wish to speak the truth but something tells me that the truth doesn't stand true eternally.

Spring, I'm coming!

It has been two weeks since the final paper of my university life. Results is out and with lots of mercy I believe, I'm set to graduate this November! Funny how five years have passed in this university with these people. To someone I used to know: I kept my promise, I finished my studies. Lol. It's true that it's easier in hindsight. I guess there's no need to overthink things sometimes, just jump into it. Like how I jumped in Perhentian, when I realised how scary and possibly life-threatening it was, I was already in mid-air, no turning back. However, when I hit the water and *splash*, it was all so worth it.

What's next is super exciting. For three years I have been attempting to go for an exchange. First, Taiwan then Kyrgyzstan. Third time's a charm it is. Czech Republic is going to be awesome! I just can't wait to meet the students, host families and locals. Really excited to share about my country, cultures and perspective as well. If you have hosted foreign friends in your own country, you would realise that no one country is perfect and at many points, you'd be grateful to be where you are. You know so much about this place, you know how to get somewhere without the help of the GPS, you know where to go to satisfy your food cravings, you see familiar faces yet there's still so much mystery yet to be uncovered. You seek a deeper kind of meaning and relationship instead of all-pretty-and-nice things which merely impress on the surface.

I wish to make this soil I grew up on a better place. I honestly do. But I first need to see more, know better and understand deeply. Phases of growth, I'm getting back on track. The good, the bad, the unexpected, I will embrace them all with grace, faith, wisdom and strength.

Perfect blue. All smiles. Best memories.

Blazing red

This season, this final sprint. We'll conquer it like warriors with dozens of years of battling experience up our sleeves. Beneath them smiles and composed statures, we contend with agony for our faiths. May we all win in our own ways.

Two feets standing on a principle

Two hands longing for each other's warmth

Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats

Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go

Still - Daughter

What would you suffer for?

Today marks the end of our study term in the university. The past months, everybody has been exceptionally sentimental, taking more photos than usual with friends and lecturers, going for outings more avidly even when we're in the midst of mid term and assignments. There was just this sudden change of vibe in the air and in everybody. Looking at the whole scene from afar, it really made me think, "What made them behave like that?", "Why the sudden change?", " Is it regret, denial or something else that fueled these actions?" It really was a different sight and I am intrigued to understand it.

I was never one who belongs to one pack and stay comfy in there. I definitely wished that I have had a closer relationship with my coursemates from the beginning but as time passes, it was a decision I consciously make and accountable for. That I am okay alone, that it is not bizarre to have your own plans and not stick to the same lunch buddies every single day. Of course, there are downsides of being a lone ranger like missing out on the latest tips on exams and stuffs. But it's okay, I just have to work a little harder (not very smart but yea). Five years ago, the naive me was disturbed with this harsh reality that being different or "unique" is going to make one an ostracised, miserable, lonely child but evidently, I grew out of it. I decided to prioritise other things and mingle with a different set of friends too in the process. Looking back, there's no regret but I could have managed it better. By 'it', I meant my relationship with people.

This is a letter to my coursemates of four/five years,

It is a fact that I like all of you dearly. I guess I have learned to accept you and people in general for who you are and always see the good side of things. I learned so much from just observing how you have changed over the years. What I am most amazed by is the level of leadership within our batch. There were just so much going on because people are speaking up, initiating ideas and plans, taking the lead to translate ideas into actions and as a result, good times and fond memories are created. It is such a joy to see really. One thing that never changed is your overflowing of kindness. I can confidently say that the pharmacy school community is the kindest and most selfless one in the entire university that I have come across with. I am thankful for the times that you have randomly asked me to join you for lunch or trips to Janda Baik or Cameron Highlands. Also the efforts to keep me awake during lectures. Then there are a few who constantly engage everyone by making jokes, asking random questions or simply standing next to me while waiting to enter the lecture theater so I won't feel left out. It's all these little quirks and acts of care and love that enabled us to be vulnerable and more connected with each other.

At this point, I think everyone sort of feel the same mixed feelings; excited to sit for our final examination in university, motivated to do our best this last couple of months, worried about our job posting and career path, clueless of what our options are, doubtful of our capabilities compared to the market's expectations, anxious of leaving this worry-free student life bubble and perhaps very dreadful to step out into the crude working life. Whatever it is that you may be feeling, it is okay. As crucial as all these decisions may seem, slow down, take time and reflect. We have just spent five years of our lives in university. That's a really long time. Long enough to cause anyone to feel so comfortable and reluctant to move on to something new. So just shut your mind from all external voices and listen to your own voice for a moment.

We often come across articles about doing the job that makes you happy so you would never have to work a single day of your life. However, when that source of happiness is no longer there, does that mean that there's no point going on doing that job? Thus, instead of thinking of what makes you happy because I'm sure there are a lot of things that make us happy or neutral, think about what you are willing to SUFFER for. By doing this, you would figure out what you are truly determined to pursue. The fact is that we are all humans, we try our best to avoid pain and suffering. Because of this, we always do ourselves injustice by accepting what we don't deserve. How many of us can relate to this, "I don't mind doing this, It's not my first choice/I didn't know what to do but this is fine too." We will become more complacent if we don't start taking charge of our lives.

I love you all and I truly wish the best in everything that you choose to do. Most importantly, choose your battles wisely and may you arise better versions of yourself every day!

Always keeping you in prayers,
Canny

P.S. I'm not a sadist/masochist. LOL.

Have a read. :)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-manson/the-most-important-question_b_4269161.html

Shades of Cool

I can't break through your world

Cause you live in shades of cool

Lithe dancers

Another girl sitting at the bar, her motionless back facing the entrance; to rid any possibility of bumping into a familiar face. She had sat on the same spot with an empty, now all-warmed up glass in her little palms for about three hours now. Her stare was so intense and fixated onto the dark amber liquid of a particular bottle of expensive Japanese whiskey sitting notably like a prized jewel in the cabinet behind where Jacob, the bartender was standing all night.

Jacob who was busy interacting with and serving his customers is now curious. He has never seen this girl in town and from the way she looked plus the fact that she hasn't spoken a word in English, she must be Russian. Or mute, possibly. Working at the bar for five years now, Jacob has come to peace in letting troubled faces slip by him nightly. He has learned the hard way that there is only so much he can do to help. "This girl, is just another troubled soul," he convinced himself for the seventh time since she sat there.

Both the hands of the clock are now parallel at the number '2'. She looked slightly disappointed at the sight of it. Perhaps she was abandoned by her date. And now she has passed her bed time and becoming grumpy. Maybe she's just pitiful to have no friends to hang out with. Slowly, she stood up, leaned against the bar table and left quietly, like she was never there. When Jacob walked over to keep her glass, he saw a note underneath it. His eyes watered when he read the note. He stared blankly towards the direction of the exit for about a minute thereafter before resuming his duties.

My love, leave yourself behind

Beat inside me, leave you blind

My love, you have found peace

You were searching for relief

My Love - Sia