Delicate Fluff (not so)

As a child, learning new things used to be fun, exciting and rewarding. As we grow up, we are very much more selective in the things that we consume, listen to and surround ourselves with. We become skeptical with so many things. Being overload with information most of the time could be one of the main reasons to that. Worst of all, unreliable information we overheard and picked up from the atmosphere. It is as if this world, this life, this air that we are breathing is unrecognisable; thick, smoke-like, blurring our vision to what's in front of our eyes. I hate to say that it can get really tiring trying to reach out to a person's heart across the thick barrier that they have built upon our first salutation. Perhaps I am one of such character as well, in order to tell one. It's a shame that the strangers-friends-acquaintances-strangers cycle is an inevitable ride some relationships partake but I guess at certain points, the right ones hopefully, a change of air, a much needed breather, a break, a reset-button miracle could set things in place again and we could then, restart. Restart: one word I have come across many times recently. It talks about how restarting isn't a bad thing, it's not laborious, time-consuming nor unnecessary. Instead, we should feel honoured to be endowed with the privilege to do so. For me, this year has been a great year of restarting, for real. One solid, ground-breaking culmination of a seed so hungry for a better state and living condition and just yearning to grow up and out of the quicksand it was constantly sowed in. Now, slowly but surely, its strong roots are growing deep into the earth, leaving its footprints subtly but more importantly, a provider of reliable support systems for the generations to come and branches reaching high into the sky, a living evidence for the other seedlings to look forward to a journey filled with mystery and happiness so abundantly given all they have to do is to extend their peripheries and receive. Love, as complicated and intangible a subject as it may seem, is not something we need to ask for. This simple truth, fundamental yet hardly understood by many. The important things in life, there aren't many. Lose a couple of them for long enough and you will end up with scar tissues that numb you from within. Hence, we ought to be graceful in every extension of ourselves. It's okay to try and fail, and keep trying. #rambles

Sometimes I wish we could be strangers

So I didn't have to know your pain

But if I kept myself from danger

This emptiness would feel the same

No Angel - Birdy   

Bread of Life

In seeking for a relationship of pure, unconditional and selfless love, we often overlook the one person who has always been there with us through ups and downs. Despite being rejected time and time again, He still persists and patiently waits for us until the day comes where we surrender and acknowledge His presence and love for us. It's sometimes ironic how we long for a love so perfect and fulfilling yet when we have finally stumbled upon one, we think that it is too perfect to be true. We contradict ourselves. I do, countless of times. I am fortunate beyond words for all I have experienced and for who I am today, all the glory goes to Him, my one and only Saviour and Lord.

I occasionally am caught by surprise by the things I wantonly say to others. I know it wasn't me but it was the projection of something greater, wiser and more divine. Yesterday, men's selfishness got to me. Yes, men are generally selfish for survival sake but in certain cases, it is the abundantly rich being the more insecure and fearful ones. It may be true that when you acquire something in excess or beyond need, you lose balance of the other possessions as more attention is now vested into your newly found 'fortune'. So you lose time for yourself, your favourite pass time activity, relationships or career. From the sense of losing control and balance, insecurity creeps up and you acquire that survival instinct to prioritise yourself above everything and everyone else. Hence, selfish acts result. Now what do you do when someone is acting selfishly. You treat their insecurities, you give them comfort, piece of mind, hope, trust and companionship. For every action from hope will selflessly extend itself into the universe. 

Our deepest fear is not losing all of our money and possessions, but of being alone and living a life of loneliness. When time gets tough, let us not drift away from our loved ones for the fear of troubling them and adding on to their burden. Instead, stay closer to them, pray that you acquire the strength or wisdom needed and work it through together. That way the perfect relationship with the strongest roots of foundation will grow and  flourish through scorching hot sunlight, drought, flood or the craziest sandstorm. 

We just got to believe it .

I sat and dreamed at the foot of your bed

You split my skull and reached inside my head

And pulled out the pictures I'd been wishing I'd forget

And you stitched me up then

And wiped the blood from off my chin

Glory - Radical Face

6

No man is an island, this I know

But can't you see?

Maybe you were the ocean when I was just a stone

Black Flies - Ben Howard

Let There Be Love

It has been almost four months since I was discharged of my duties in AIESEC. During my service, I often dread the thought of having to move on to a new routine and get to know a new bunch of people right from the start. Well, when you belong to an organisation, it easy to think that we were all like-minded and assume that we all have the same intention and headed towards the same direction. On the other hand, when you're alone, representing solely yourself after three years of living in the same peculiar bubble, succumbing to the temptation of falling into another bubble is a commonplace sight.

First week into my my final year as a pharmacy student, I was afraid. I was afraid of screwing up, I was tired of trying to fit in knowing it's already too late, it's freaking final year already, I was cautious not to bump into familiar faces so I didn't have to face questions or rather remarks like "How's life after AIESEC?", "So you must be very free now" or "You look happier now". I really wish to know what were they thinking when they said such things, what was the intention behind those premature deductions. Were there something I could help them with? If yes, how?

Second week, things were pacing up. Final year project is at the top of everybody's mind. Mine, was going in all direction but right. I'm somewhat grateful that this happened to the bunch of us four because we started communicating more and worked hand-in-hand to overcome the situation. Hopefully things get better after the commitment declaration-ish discussion we had with our supervisor the other day. This incident also showed me how easily one blames another when faced with challenges. Perhaps it's due to the sudden irrational burst of emotions mixed with disappointment but quickly, sensibility filled in and we continued progressing forward. I'm also glad that I joined the barbecue at Sepang Gold Coast over the weekend. Have always missed class outings due to other commitments.

The start of the third week brings a whole new set of vibe for some reason. I had a list of behavioural changes I wanted to implement immediately. That feeling of #yolo and #ifnotnowwhen. I felt like I was observing for too long and way too many people that I began to lose sight of myself and what I really want. I'm tired of overthinking. I want to be tired of doing instead. It's funny how people and things around you start to change for the better as well when you take that little step to improve. Baby steps, goes a long way. Though it has only been a week, I feel great physically especially, not so initially of course. I was living a  terribly sedentary lifestyle for the past two years. Now, I have a goal to work towards, support system by my side and attractive view every time I hit the gym. Lol.

I don't know why I started typing about my personal life, usually it's something super generic or fiction-like but I guess it's a side effect of me trying to be a little fearless? :D. Can't do shit with fear in our way all the time, can we. Anyways, I really hope that more people can live a life true to themselves and serve a purpose of their own which they are truly proud of. I wish everyone peace, love and understanding. :)

I hope the weather is calm

As you sail up your heavenly stream

Suspended clear in the sky

Are the words that we sing in our dreams

Let There Be Love - Oasis

Mystery Ride

A wanton decision. A week of planning. Two countries. Eleven days of adventure. 

Being away, or rather getting away can be therapeutic especially when you have been cemented on one spot and wrapped up in the same bubble for too long. You stop growing, mentally and spiritually. All of your energy, attention and time are channeled into that one matter you commit yourself to. Instead of being swamped by sheer clarity and conviction, your sight is clouded with more questions and possibilities. The urge to seek and unravel your true potential. 

A getaway was all I needed. 

I thought it would be beneficial or even enlightening to breathe a different air, to see the unusual and to live the unconventional. As the saying goes, we only realise the absence of and appreciate what we have once they're lost, don't we. Now that there isn't a particular pressure source and assigned mission, I am like a kite in the air, swaying freely but in no ways, in the invisible path that is proudly my own. Then again, I believe it is not an entirely negative notion. Like the water, it is flexible, ever changing yet changeless, adopting the shape of any container, brook or cranny. One of the many things I need to learn and inherent. 

A humbling and challenging experience it was. 

Throughout the trip, I am constantly reminded of how grateful I am for being blessed with all I have. Beyond that, I truly care about these people. Despite the furiosity at certain times when I was treated undeservingly, I try to understand how difficult it must be to start from scratch after the crude Pol Pot regime era and also the typhoon. Some of them are still trying hard to locate their families and many children are without parents. The advancing tourism sector mostly benefits people with close proximity to touristic spots and protected buildings hence, the income distribution widely differs across different status depending on their skills and occupation. I truly admire their determination and perseverance. 

There is so much to say but mostly feelings that I wish more people would acquire when they visit the country themselves. It was more than a getaway that I desired, it was a life lesson and beautiful discovery. 

Cheesy

Remember the time you were worried about how you would look on prom night. Fear of being called on stage by your best buds to put you on the spot and be embarrassed in front of the girl you have had a liking for throughout the entire year. A mixture of fear and excitement filled your body and soul nights or even weeks before the big day. You kept playing in your mind how the night would turn out to be, how you would greet her by the staircase, how you would smile without looking too over the moon, what to say if you bump into her at the hallway or whether you should put your hands in your pockets or hold them in front. Thoughts, they run like wildfire in your little fragile head.

Years have gone by. Changes are evident. You have lesser hair, shinier forehead and seemingly smaller body frame than you used to. What could have stayed the same? Our first exchange of words felt like a fresh breath of air I have never encountered nor expected. I couldn't put my finger on whether I like it or not but one thing for sure, I wanted more of it. It sparked my curiosity and once again, I am on a valiant journey of comprehension and understanding.

Many people I have come across with couldn't comprehend why is it such a significant matter when I choose to know a person deeply. It is significant when it is mutual understanding, effort and intentions. A friend from afar helped me confirm this realisation; think about this, how often do you meet someone so attractive, who gets you on your feet to strike up a conversation with them. For me, hardly. Call me picky, ignorant or selective in admitting people into my social circle but I'm a tad more sensitive and an overthinker whenever I'm showered with attention and treatments that surpass what I think I deserve. I guess it boils down to intention. Make it clear and life will be easier! :)

Side note. The long awaited getaway-cum-self reflection is finally near. I wish to make the most out of it, cherish every moment and live every differences. Whatever the result is on the tenth, I will embrace it and move on for the better.

Oh how do I thank every brilliant soul who have made my life so beautiful and lovely. God bless. Oh and happy August! ♥

Promise - Ben Howard

Moments Like This, It Comes and Goes

At times of anger, breathe
At times of grief, pray
At times of love, cherish
At times of fear, persist
At times of loss, tear
At times of hope, act on it

A Summer's Dance

How do I feel?

The simplest yet one of the most difficult questions to answer. Often times, our minds are just too bogged down with the latest news around the globe, the biggest hoo-haa in the university, Whatsapp messages flooding your mobile phone's screen constantly, emailed to be replied within 48 hours, assignment deadlines to meet, house errands to check off, important dates to remember, and the list could go on as long as we live in this 'connected' world.

It has been a good ten months that my priorities were consciously shoved away from myself and heavily concentrated on the duties and responsibilities that I uphold. Sometimes, it goes unexpectedly beyond my job descriptions. Then again, there was no clear cut job descriptions when I signed up to begin with. The best part of all, unleashing various sides of myself that I never knew existed. Perhaps deep down, I am this adventurous dare devil who knows no consequences, where "living in the moment" is my life principle. It goes without saying that giving will always be a significant part of me, whichever form of living I end up as. Not because I wish to avoid facing my own predicaments, but because I have experienced such bitterness that I wish no one would go through the same. But that would be senseless cause then they wouldn't be able to seek the clarity and understanding that I did.

Why do we run from pain?

I don't run, I just wait for it to reach me eventually. Hmm anyways, I think I have quite a high tolerance for physical pain. Emotionally, it was quite an experience itself. The thing about humans is that we run, we flee without knowing exactly what it is that we are fleeing from. We notice a dark figure passing at the corner of our eye and we conclude it to be a spirit and scare the shit out of ourselves. We see a cockroach and scream for our lives like it is about to swallow us whole. The truth is, we are not brought up in a societal system that teaches us nothing but the crudest, blackest, darkest and most obnoxious. We have a choice, to live wearing our own comfy pair of flats or bleed in stilettos just to fit in. Some may ask, why even bother covering your feet? Generalising here, I think those are the kind who think they are the author of everyone's lives or just blind hipsters wannabe. The thing is, we just got to let go a little sometimes.

What is next?

A new quest. New country. New people. New experience. New cultures. New ideologies. New excitement. New knowledge. New skills. Same me, just reinventing for the better. It would be a super amazing one. I do not know what's been planned for me or what opportunities I will jump on to tomorrow but I am sure that I would not regret these decisions I make. That I am learning to live alongside uncertainties.

This is the start of a summer's dance. :)

Part II

Life is like a series of coaches attached end to end. Chapters, they call it. Once you're done with one, you move on to another. You leave what's undesirable and bring along what excites you. Little did you know that at some points eventually, everything you bring along will leave the coach and be replenished by the occasionally on-duty waiters. With time, you adapt to the changes, the surprises that awaits you, you start to find joy in the bumpy rides. Most importantly, you keep moving.

The usual lovely family gatherings, familiar faces, good food and chillax mode. :)

Good things happen at night. Lols.

Here Comes The Night Time - Arcade Fire