Ever Enough

It was exactly a year and a day since she had Sam. A Friday.

She left work at 5pm, parked her car at the shoulder of the road instead of the garage and stepped into the hallway of the poorly lit house, like any other days but this time with a different kind of grin on her face. She cooked up dinner, picked up toy cars and vomit-stained napkins from the floor and set up the dining table for two. It took her half an hour longer than the usual but it didn't feel like it for her. Once the clock struck seven, the cuckoo bird came to live with a weird Moroccan beat for about five seconds. Again, perhaps she didn't even notice it because she was staring blankly at the pile of toys in the middle of the living room where Sam used to play. Used to.

What or rather who was she waiting for? Sam? Her husband Jerry? Her mother-in-law from another town which is fifteen minutes away from where she lives but only come by twice a year since she got married to Jerry; once on their anniversary to remind them of how they were a mistake and another during Thanksgiving where she buries herself with booze in Jerry's liquor collection in the cellar and leave without any notice, usually after a week. It has always been strained, her relationship, their relationships. Even before the baby. The baby.

Jerry came home at about half past seven, an hour late. But Sue didn't say a word, she stood up, helped him with his coat and briefcase and shared a swift but understanding kiss. They have always had a lot of respect for one another. And tolerance. Being lovers since their high school days, it took them a lot to be where they are now. They know pretty much everything about each other, likes and hates, choice of words when replying a text, taste in clothing and food, bad habits, goals and directions in life. Romantic or sweet, two words they get a lot in any gathering or event they attend. The truth is, it gets mundane. Conversations become scarce and eventually non-existent between them. The mind, dream and world they used to share are gradually dividing to two separate entities. Something was coming in between them.

They sat down at the dining table and fed each other like teenage couples do in fast food restaurants.

Jerry finally spoke, "Funny ey, habits. They don't leave us as we wish. I've gotten so used to you and this home, I can't imagine coming home to anybody else."

"Well, you said the same to your mom before you met me, didn't you", Sue said monotonously.

"C'mon Sue. I don't have to say it, you already know. Right?"

"Well guess what. I don't. I'm not even sure if you know what you feel inside. I'm tired of assuming Jer. 15 years. You love me but I don't hear it from you. Why are you keeping it to yourself. Huh?"

Silence. They both put down the cutleries in their hands to the sides of the plates gently. They looked up straight into each other's faces. One minute has passed. Two minutes. Five minutes. Sue began to tear. It was true. What he said about habits. She rose from the chair in slow motion, went up to their bedroom and came downstairs with a luggage bag and left without a word. Jerry was still in his chair. He waited till the sound of the engine disappeared. He walked to the fridge to get an Avian. He paused at a sticky note which says, "Dear Jer, we're not a mistake, I know. But you've never said so." He continued, "Don't worry about Sam. He'll be happy to have you when you're ready to have him in your life." Signed at the corner: "With lots of hope, Sue."


Get a grip. Happy monday. :)

A different kind of love

I can't blog as often anymore cause priority setting has leaped into the picture and it's taking up a bigger role than I imagined it would. Not that having quality alone time is of no importance anymore but it has to be done faster, more productive. It's true that productivity is not determined by the amount of time you put into doing something but how much effort you put into that duration. Something Puan Giam wrote in my little notebook in standard six. I didn't quite understand how it would relate to life or in what context it can be applied but now, light-bulb moments!

Right now, doing what I sign myself up for without expecting much in return at first, if this is not it then I don't know what is. Even if it's not, every experience is worth the try. It's totally different and this is what I wanted. Things HAVE to be different in order to obtain that something different that I'm searching for. It's a crazy thing to jump into an unfamiliar, ever-changing ocean without a plan but it's crazier to tie yourself to the railway track and pray for miracles.

Yesterday was a good day with the family in Port Dickson. What's better was having a good read under the humble shade of a coconut tree on the sandy beach. Triple goodness is what I call it.

"You had many more years," he said.

"I didn't want them."

"But they wanted you. Time is not something you give back. The very next moment may be an answer to your prayer. To deny that is to deny the most important part of the future."

"What's that?"

"Hope."

The shame welled up inside her, and once again, she wept. She missed her mother more than ever.

"I'm so sorry," Sarah gasped, tears pouring down her cheeks.

"It's just felt like. . . the end."

"Ends are for yesterdays, not tomorrows."

Dor waved a hand, and the street dissolved into sand. The skies turned a midnight purple, filled with countless stars.

"There is more for you to do in this life, Sarah Lemon."

-an excerpt from The Timekeeper by Mitch Albom.

May you all have a wonderful Monday.
Happy April!
And peace, love and understanding. Always. :)

We Are In Love

The past two weeks have been super awesomely crazy. Been leaving from and coming back to home in the dark. I really appreciate the trouble and sacrifices mom and dad have to go through. And friends, those who offered help and distractions and those who kept me going. It's amazing how some people have the biggest hearts to get down in the rain with you. That's when it all turns to pure enjoyment.

9th of March was the day I pierced through the stubborn slimey membrane of my bubble. Not entirely torn but that's the biggest first step I've ever made so far. It's just the beginning, said many people. Many more hurdles, bigger ones ahead of me. This is one decision that I really hope I will not regret, as much as I've tried convincing myself that it's worth it before this. Too much that is sacrificed and to be sacrificed. I hope they understand what I'm doing, why I'm doing it.

Love this song the second I hear it. Perfectly dreamy. Good day amigos, always :).

Every colour in the world is in your eyesAnd everywhere you look you shine a lightHollow as the night until I saw youI came back to life when I saw youIt doesn´t matter if the stars forget usIt doesn´t matter if the world don´t know our namesIt doesn´t matter if they talk about usIt doesn´t matter cause we are in, we are in loveWe Are In Love - Cider Sky