I Don't Know

There are times I wish I was just deaf, blind, dumb, senseless and heartless. That the strong exterior that most people buy is the true skin that wraps my delicate flesh and nerves and everything else that lives in me. Yes I admit that I wear a mask in front of certain people. And perhaps I should wear a few extra masks when dealing with some. Sometimes, the harsh words that we say only comes back to hurt ourselves, and that makes it hurt way more than we can imagine. It hurts so badly that we just wanna escape that stupid thing that's causing all these miseries. And that's us, our very own selves. We are who we choose to be, we are how we choose to feel, we are what we choose to react upon. I cannot blame anyone but myself. Maybe this is pure bullshit. The world is not turning into robots but more like retarded beings. Those who care for the people continue to get stepped on and shoved to a corner for the menial tasks, those assholic ones handles the majestic role of ordering people around and non-stop manipulation in their every word. I cannot, I cannot handle crap like this. Not anymore. I have been on both ends of the stories and it sucks big time. Then again, maybe this is lethargy, maybe this is selfishness, maybe this is ignorance. I shall take a breather and reconcile things, my thoughts and whatnot tomorrow. As usual, time transitioned so fast we're coming to the middle of the year. I love the things that I do right now, challenges I have never expected. I wish I am stronger. 

Cannonball

He picked up his phone from the ground after dropping it a couple of times through his clumsy fingers and held it to his ear anxiously, hoping that the person on the other side of the line is still holding on to the odd call at three in the morning. He usually goes to bed at eleven but something about that night kept him awake till three. Maybe it's the nap he had in the evening? Maybe it's the four shots of espresso? Maybe.. it is..

"Hell...lo?", the other person replied, cleansing her throat a little at the end. He stoned for a sec. That voice, it sounded familiar but not the first voice he'd expected to hear at such hour. He wouldn't be surprised if it was his wasted brother who goes down to the town bar every Friday Night to meet up with a bunch of losers he calls his buddies. It was a girl this time, and it was her.

"Hi.. Is everything okay?"

"Nothing, it's just.. tonight, something's making me do this. I.. I swear, honestly didn't want to.. Something, something is urging me to dial your number."

A good five and a half seconds of awkward silence passed as if time paused for a breather.

She felt an increasingly burdening load piling on her chest. All she wanted to do was to end the call and scream to the top of her lungs with her head buried tightly under her pillow so as to not disturb her parents and her neighbours. She continued waiting for another good two minutes. Both of them.

And it extended for another five years.

Stretched.

There'll be times you'll just cry so fucking hard for whatever reasons till your head hurts and you feel like you're gonna puke with the taste of food. You make big decisions thinking that you have what it takes. You go into the battlefield with the highest fake arrogance and confidence you could muster within yourself and you preach like you know what you're doing. And then the inquisition comes, there's no running away from it. You know you can't say shit because those people in front of you had been through it all, they KNOW every single move that you trying to take. They have seen it all. If you're tough enough, you'll survive it without a shed of tear. If you're not, you break in front of them. You're stripped down bare till only whatever's left of you. No place to hide, no place to run to. And it doesn't end there. In order to go further, you know you need to keep your head low and ask for feedback. Again, another round of bullets into your chest. You're exhausted, you're fed up with yourselves, you're tired of trying to please everyone, you're just so tempted to be a person with rotten qualities cause it seems so easy to be one, but you can't. you don't want to. You've come too far to go back to where you've moved on from. Funny how we think of convincing others when we can't convince ourselves in the first place. It's ridiculous to do something which you don't have full clarity of. Or at least, that's what others say. I'm never good with verbal communication. It's gonna take quite some time more to see significant outcome. I've been trying I swear. For now, let's just hug the hugeass teddy bear and get some shut eyes. And mind.