Cannonball

He picked up his phone from the ground after dropping it a couple of times through his clumsy fingers and held it to his ear anxiously, hoping that the person on the other side of the line is still holding on to the odd call at three in the morning. He usually goes to bed at eleven but something about that night kept him awake till three. Maybe it's the nap he had in the evening? Maybe it's the four shots of espresso? Maybe.. it is..

"Hell...lo?", the other person replied, cleansing her throat a little at the end. He stoned for a sec. That voice, it sounded familiar but not the first voice he'd expected to hear at such hour. He wouldn't be surprised if it was his wasted brother who goes down to the town bar every Friday Night to meet up with a bunch of losers he calls his buddies. It was a girl this time, and it was her.

"Hi.. Is everything okay?"

"Nothing, it's just.. tonight, something's making me do this. I.. I swear, honestly didn't want to.. Something, something is urging me to dial your number."

A good five and a half seconds of awkward silence passed as if time paused for a breather.

She felt an increasingly burdening load piling on her chest. All she wanted to do was to end the call and scream to the top of her lungs with her head buried tightly under her pillow so as to not disturb her parents and her neighbours. She continued waiting for another good two minutes. Both of them.

And it extended for another five years.

Stretched.

There'll be times you'll just cry so fucking hard for whatever reasons till your head hurts and you feel like you're gonna puke with the taste of food. You make big decisions thinking that you have what it takes. You go into the battlefield with the highest fake arrogance and confidence you could muster within yourself and you preach like you know what you're doing. And then the inquisition comes, there's no running away from it. You know you can't say shit because those people in front of you had been through it all, they KNOW every single move that you trying to take. They have seen it all. If you're tough enough, you'll survive it without a shed of tear. If you're not, you break in front of them. You're stripped down bare till only whatever's left of you. No place to hide, no place to run to. And it doesn't end there. In order to go further, you know you need to keep your head low and ask for feedback. Again, another round of bullets into your chest. You're exhausted, you're fed up with yourselves, you're tired of trying to please everyone, you're just so tempted to be a person with rotten qualities cause it seems so easy to be one, but you can't. you don't want to. You've come too far to go back to where you've moved on from. Funny how we think of convincing others when we can't convince ourselves in the first place. It's ridiculous to do something which you don't have full clarity of. Or at least, that's what others say. I'm never good with verbal communication. It's gonna take quite some time more to see significant outcome. I've been trying I swear. For now, let's just hug the hugeass teddy bear and get some shut eyes. And mind.

Same casts, different universe.

The moon a perfect round, shimmering and gazing down with the perfect imaginary smile on its ivory, steely surface. Familiar background music that brings back familiar emotions. Pitch dark backdrop replaced with a pair of colourful fabric wings drawn to the centre so they meet each other. And applause drowns your voice away with the night breeze.

You thought you want more. You feel like you deserve more. But when the curtains are drawn, you realised that your armour suit are just props of a play and it has ended now and you have to hand it in. Deep down, you know, that you are not done reciting your lines. Hidden lines at the back of the script that no one sees but you. Everyone's rushing, getting out of their costumes. Time is running out. You have to do it before the fairy tale moment cease, before you are torn out of your Hercules skin. You are right there, every bit of courage gathered into a bolus in your throat and just when the first syllable comes off your mouth, you turn to cement like a spell cast on you. 

America

We see, we hear, we feel different natures of things every day. But we don't always realise it. To acknowledge and respond to changes requires effort. It is an act of will. One does not passively look at another person and the words 'you're beautiful' slips out of his tongue. No. The image of that beautiful lady must have induced an electrical impulse at the back of his retina which is then transferred to the higher centre of the nervous system, the upside down image inverted to the right orientation and interpreted as a beautiful sight and then off it fires another impulse to the speech centre and the lips mouth the shape of those words and vibrations from the larynx surfaces as his voice. The world has no one true book of rules to be abided by but humans, why do we have to act in a certain biological procedures in order to prolong the continuity of our existence on this earth that was once believed to be a flat plane and because of that strong-head belief, Galileo was sent to imprisonment. Centuries ago, professions like lawyers, insurance agents, policemen and bankers didn't exist, you can say that things were horribly bad and out of control. But look at us now, are we any better? The fact that there weren't those specified people to carry out their specified job descriptions simply tells us that people back then were much more capable of settling matters out on their own, through compromise, understanding and productive debates. Unlike today, we hire someone, pay them a substantial amount of money and we sit back letting them do the 'dirty' job. Where do we go from here, really.

It really upsets my mind to think about reaching for my dreams sometimes. Of course, it's fluffy stuffs that others will immediately stereotype you for for being ambitious, or rather, different. They look at you like you're a different species or someone whom they used to know but turned out to be far from what they imagined you to be, external factors they blame. At the back of your mind, you think, am I still going to fit in here. As a toddler, you grow out of your three-year-old clothes when you barely reached four. And it's okay, that's acceptable. How is it different here, you may wonder. Mindset. A darn f*ed up one. It's funny how many are fooled by my exterior that I subconsciously try to portray while less than a handful could spot me out after a few observations. Truth to be told, I care nothing about dreams and goals, screw getting good grades and a high-paying job. 'You are a natural procrastinator,' one said. I couldn't agree more. I could imagine myself at the edge of life, it's not the strings of award and recognition that I'll care about, but the person holding my hand at my death bed. The person who will smile crookedly while shedding tears and he'll tell me this, 'I'm okay, go in peace,' ..simply because, we've practised it a million times throughout our lives being together. We know that there is no 'forever' between us. Love doesn't make us immortal, it keeps us alive. And to feel alive, you need to be constantly at the edge of it. You need to keep fighting for what you deserve.

I'll read this tomorrow morning and wonder who typed this. Good day, mates.

Clouds and shimmers.

Clouds and shimmers. Clouds and shimmers. Just so random. Life's been good and bad, learning from the hard way, overwhelmed by emotions that are not usually present, meeting random people, taking up challenges as they come, embracing new experiences, putting aside tasks that don't worth the time yet, going against current, going with current, brushing up on a skill, indulging in long-abandoned interest and planning for an escape. Still working on the great escape. Too little time has been allocated to type things down into concrete legible words. Perhaps it's a good thing, perhaps not. But it's a fast-paced world we're living in. Even the worms and the birds spend more time out of their shelter. Everyone's rushing against time. Time, it is what separates the mindful and the oblivious, the successful and the contemplating. It feels so good getting to take a break at last, get my head off exams. But for once, life didn't just stop there with absolutely nothing in hand. In fact, more is up. It feels hectic, stressful and crazy but when you look back at all the effort you've put into it, the outcome and the satisfaction, the meaning behind those effort, it isn't what it used to be. It's indescribable. It's just, different. It's something so organic you can't imagine what it would turn out into.

It's like when you meet someone new, a stranger. Some, you could talk endlessly like you've been besties for years. Some, you just wouldn't go any further than a neutral handshake. You may immediately think that those are the outcomes of your little effort you've invested with 'all your courage' kind of thing. They aren't. There's is no true 'end' outcome to anything. Nothing is ever an end to anything. I learned that the hard way but I'm thankful I did. It may sound really abstract but think about it. Perspective. Parents, they often think of life with the end in mind but children, youths, they look at life with the beginning in mind. It makes a whole lot of difference.

And this post has no true end to it.

Clouds and shimmers. :)

Promises.

This is a random one before I doze off. I thought of how people say they would do something and in a week or so, they have completely forgotten about it. I believe I'm guilty of it as well. How easily distracted are we, I wonder. VERY. Especially with this thing you're staring at right now. You literally have access to millions and billions and more stuffs, which most of it you don't really need at all. But without it too, you drift away as different people or things come along and eventually get into your imaginary space. There's always something that is constantly there at the back of our heads.

The point is, promises are not restricted to something you propose with the word 'I promise' in it. A simple verbal 'okay' can easily be considered as an unwritten promise to another or yourself. It somehow overlaps with responsibilities and assurance I think. I guess procrastination is still the biggest threat to most of us, in getting things done, thoughts expressed, feelings conveyed, assignments done, appointments made, people confronted, water drunk, dog fed, toilet bowl cleaned, tweet twitted and the list goes on. IdontknowwhatImsayinganymore. Distraction, the bigger culprit.

Anyways, Pharmcal test tomorrow and meeting the interns from South Africa in the evening. :)

It scares me that it's coming to the end of the eleventh month already so soon. But the good thing is that Christmas is nearing. Are you as excited as I am? It's always been one of the most exciting time of the year for me. The family going on a get-away for a while and just be together and selfishly enjoy each other's company. And friends :D. And Santa.

I'm not busy, I'm just distracting myself. Fisheyeballs. Economic views. Curly arrows. Directions. RAwR. So we know both worlds. Asleep yet? Do Something Good. Rumah Hope. JFK. Handshake with Deputy Higher Education Minister. *Butt bump*. Frisbee. Gym. Chlorophyll. E.coli. What's for lunch? Propolis. Emails. Spiderman drinking milk. Random random. Kay tata :). 

Tangled

Hey there. This will be a really whiny post, just stuffs I need to spit out and flush away. Kay I know it's the holiday, everybody's jolly cause they finally get to reunite with their families or finally we get to have a break from all the boring lectures and whatnot but really, I don't feel it at all. Today has been quite depressing. Facing the screen the whole day, the same MS Word document opened the entire day, don't know what to type, no one to talk to. Okay not no one, but it's like I'm waiting for something to happen. It's just stupid. I really need help to untangle these wires in my head. But I know it has to come from within me, no other ways. And attending the talk on Thursday kinda made the tangles more convoluted and tighter than ever. Knowing yourself too well is not always a good idea. It scares the shyt out of me really. Too much to take in. And I'm not the type of person who will just grab the first person I see and spill everything out to them. I analyse. I reflect and think of things on my own and I try freakin' hard to come out with a solution. I don't show what I feel, I just can't, I don't want to. That's how I make things worse than they already are for myself cause people keep coming and throwing everything at me and I'm there, accepting and swallowing and digesting. Most of the times, it does help distract myself from my own matters and also, to be grateful as I realise what I'm facing is just a tiny bit from the battles others are going through. It's always easier to see things when they're outside of you cause you get to see them from many different perspectives. Then there's another crappy situation when you lose your only current trustworthy channel whom you empty yourself to at the end of every eventful day. And I'm now replaying Kuch kuch hota hai's video thanks to Jana. Haha they're just super funny. Oh yea, finally watched Angels and Airwaves' Love The Movie. Almost fell asleep at the beginning but the message is really meaningful. Watch it especially if you've ever dreamt of becoming an astronaut.

Wow just realised it's one already. Shall wake up to a better day tomorrow. Goodnight and don't get bitten by the rainy day emo bugs. Tata. :)

Poison & Wine

I'm the kind of person who blinds out the words in a song and just absorbs the melody by default. Maybe that's why when I like a song, it stays that way for a very very long time. By listening to its melody, rhythm and emotions packed densely in the rise and fall of the soulful voice, you could clearly tell what's behind those soothing vibrations. Only then, I listen closely to the lyrics and finally get the whole magnificent picture of the story. Most of the time, I don't bother doing that. Everybody interprets things differently, has their own beautiful imaginations, relates to and confront things in their own one-of-a-kind way. There's no right or wrong. All you need is an open mind, a light heart and all your senses functioning as one.

Everyone's special and beautiful in their own ways. Let's not let anyone temper with that. I may have made tonnes of mistakes, been as clueless and ignorant as a tree, but all that only makes me human, no.. And I will learn from there. 'Cause it's grace to keep trying. I don't know why I'm saying this. Perhaps it's been a long day. A great day, a wonderful outing with those whom I've had a splendid time with and learnt so much from. :')

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give, the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice, but I'd still choose you

Oh I don't love you, but I always will

Poison & Wine - The Civil Wars

Nights amigos.

We Should Be Swimming

Habits. The funny thing about habits is that you won't know if it's bad or not, or if it's even going to be a habit when you first delve into it. Until one day when you've decided to quit that you realise it has become a huge part of you. Doing it gives you the comfort and pleasant feeling that only you can understand. It's never easy to quit but to start, it's a whole different story. Everyone has their lonely, empty moments. Nevertheless, it's not the end of you. Good things only come to those who wait and persevere, aight.

I can't believe this.

You in my dream again

Two downed, two more to go. There's quite a lot more to stuff into my brain but my mind is just too distracted to do that. Recently, there's been things that kind of surprised me. It's really disappointing. I mean, it's coming to the end already, why can't things just remain pretty for a lil' more. That way, I'll continue having this good, pleasant memories of them. Now, it's destroyed, it's hard to say this but it's the truth.

Just one week, and you have changed so much. Now I see how badly you do when you lose your glasses. But I'll understand and I'll just look past it. It's not the right time to be thinking of this anyway. And the other, your every act spells selfish, weak and insensitive. I feel sick just typing this, I don't want to go on. I don't like speaking the bad sides of people but these people are not typical acquaintances. But I know my position in this, I have no right to speak as loud as the others. But my eyes are clear and can't be fooled. It's coming to an end, like I said. Perhaps I should go on being silent to protect this pretty lie.

Just recently, I was reminded of a very important habit that we often neglect being so caught up with our own lives and problems, that is to never judge a book by its cover. A person who's quiet or harsh could have a thousand and one problems behind their strong exteriors. They might be wanting to hide something or to see if you're concerned enough to notice and make the first move. It's tiny things like this that determines how close you are in connecting with a person. It's funny how all those happy moments just wipe out of your head for a while when you start to have bad ones. I'm glad I have met true, real supporting friends though who is such a blessing from Him.

Well, all these stuffs.. I am a real sensitive I know. Lol I guess the stress level has gone too low that my mind has become too occupied. And the diarrhoea, flu, stomachache and dizziness. The moon was so round and bright just a few days back and now, the strong winds and storms are coming to accompany us tonight. May the force be with us, as what Kam said. All the best for the remaining days, amigos. :)

Suddenly I have this feeling,

Tasting copper in my mouth

Copper Down - The Boy Who Trapped the Sun

Just weird

Just deleted a whole pile of crap I typed.

So.. It's just weird kay. If you ever find yourself in something so darn weird and you end up going deeper into it, just look at the brighter side and give it a shot. Lol, what an advice. I am scared as hell. I am really really scared as hell. If I screw this up, I might not come out of the water again. I am gonna live like that yellow sponge you see on tv under the sea forever..

Good day.

This Is Your Life - Switchfoot

Accident

Accident occurs in many forms. Some hurts physically, some hurts emotionally or both but the point is, it leaves a sensation relating to pain somewhere along the process. Today, I wished I had stepped on the brake hard enough, soon enough. I hate this, I hate him having to negotiate with that idiot and at the end, screamed at him out of frustration, mostly caused by me and because he was just so..idiotic. It was such a silly mistake that I can one hundred percent avoid if I were attentive enough, good enough.

It's not gonna bring me down, I kept telling myself. People learn from mistakes, they grow out of pain eventually. But, for me, it's hard. I take things very personally and very seriously at times. She understands and every time things like this happen, she'll be the one lifting up my spirit, lighting up the dying fire in me once more. Well, it isn't too difficult though. All I need is some tissues and then, something nice to indulge in.

Mum and dad had to attend a wedding dinner today. The lil' one and I got into the mood of mischief and experimental, like we used to as young kids. We watched random Youtube videos together. We popped our own popcorns, coated them with caramel and watched a Dota movie he's been asking me to watch since last week in the room, air-conditioned, curtains pulled, all cosy and comfortable. It was quite a touching movie but I didn't feel anything cause the characters are too beastly-like? Haha. Feels so good to be doing all this again, it's like I was eight again. I remember we used to drink tea together after dinner. We'll boil a whole kettle of water and drink till our bladder full and we sweated like mad. Good times :).

"It's okay. You're all that matters to us."

Blue

Time - Cute Is What We Aim For

Feel like gonna blow up anytime. Good or bad. Whatever.

Not my day

Today is definitely NOT my day. Today, the first time I cried in uni. I walked out of the lab and walked straight to the nearest washroom. Haih.. I am not at all proud of myself. But, this kind of things happens all the time right.. I felt betrayed, I felt like I was stabbed from the back and my wound, rubbed in pure sea salt. Today, I failed my IELTS test. I have to retake. RM500 you crazy test! I was never good in languages. Am still. I suck. But I won't suck the second time. I hope. Sighs..feel so restless. And aimless.

Listening  Reading  Writing  Speaking  Overall
                    8.0   7.0  6.0         7.0       7.0

Collisions

A woman requested for an update about my uni life. Erm okay, I feel like laughing when I think about what to say about it, cause I really don't know where to start from. Last Sunday, I went back to Casa Subang with a box of chocolate cheesecake. It was my roomie's birthday, Tina. I remembered! Hahaha. So five of us sang the birthday anthem while carrying the cake into the room when she was studying, doing her homework I guess. It was so yummy. And god, so fattening.

So this week, I've gone through Physics and Chem class test, Chem practical test, Math quiz and IELTS speaking test. And lessons are getting more and more difficult to follow, I don't understand a thing in Chemistry. I don't know if it's me or the lecturer but it seems like all the Chem teachers have lullaby-ish voices, in school and tuition last time, now uni. Bio is the total opposite, you close your eyes for more than three seconds, you'll have her screaming in front of you giving you a heart attack already. Nevertheless, she's awesome with pretty good fashion sense.

I kinda like being in the class I'm in right now. My classmates are the crazy-but-serious-when-it-comes-to-business type. The only time when I'm around them is during classes and discussions. I usually go for lunch alone or with Janny, if we have the same break time. Sometimes, I don't even have time for lunch, just some cookies and crackers or waffle from the cafe will be my lunch. It's really hectic and packed but somehow, you still find time to chillax and joke around in between classes or when we're walking to the next class. All these little things really makes a huge difference to your day as a whole.

The scholars gang, they're all really friendly people who speaks Mandarin most of the time but god-knows-why, when they speak to me, they automatically tune themselves to speaking in English. The other day, SY showed such a big reaction when I said I'm a Hokkien. She was like, "You don't look like a Hokkien. You're like an English kind of person.." Speechless. For once, I actually felt insulted about stuffs like this.

Okie I'm terribly sleepy already. I just wanna end by saying, learn to live life and not survive life. There's a difference there. And appreciate all those who made you smile, directly and indirectly. Good day. :)


Happy Malaysia Day!
Holiday!!! :D

Lungs

Went jogging yesterday and today at the stadium. My whole body aches now. Swimming is so much less stressful haha. Sweating has never felt so good. I can't remember the last time I sweated like this, last year's school's cross country maybe? And I suddenly thought of something while trying to catch my breath, the closest feeling to death I've ever felt would most probably be last year's sport's day when I ran the 800 metres.

Seriously, the feeling was like..omg you would rather just collapse than sucking air from a medium of vacuum. And the cross country, it wasn't that tough actually 'cause I had something or rather someone in my mind, pushing me all the way through till the finish line.

I wasn't an athletic kid since young. I don't think I would ever be one even if I was forced to. Somehow, I was led into the martial arts direction, not ballet or piano, and I still do arm-wrestle with my brothers till now. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Yea I might be different (or very different) from many other girls but, that's just me. I can be your friend, mum, brother, sister, whatever you think I am to you. Just, don't call me cute!!! Hahaha.

I honestly don't think I am. 'Cause 'cute' to me is like a person with fantasy-ish features like the most kissable face, burger-ish cheeks, sparkling hair from afar, blue eyes, thatkindofthing from cartoons y'know (eg. Spongebob, Elmo, some babies I've met). But I don't dislike it cause I know their meaning of cute is a different one. Okay, no idea why I came into this topic. End.

Anyways, Happy Mooncake Festival. Yesterday, I ate dinner twice, at home and then, to a buffet by an association dad joined. Angry bird lanterns everywhere. WHATISGOINGONWITHTHEWORLD. Other than that, the food was good, ate lots of mooncake, still finding for a green tea one though, drank a lil' and did not play lanterns :).

After dinner, went to aunt's house in Chi Liung and conversations went on and on till almost eleven. Heck we went so far. We have officially started planning for a vacation for CNY next year. Mum and dad are kinda on a mission to travel the world. They said, why not travel and do things you like while you're still capable especially health wise, which is true.

Umm I guess that is all for now. Have a beautiful day and mooncake festival with your families. Tata =).

Arlandria

I've been thinking, what if tomorrow never comes? Will it go to waste everything I've been saving all this while, waiting for the right time to pour it out. No one knows when the right time will come, but no one dares to take the risk of doing things too early. It's silly y'know. Me. Waiting, why waste time.

Romeo & Juliet

Hi. I'm here again. I'm seriously dying of boredom, which hardly happens at home sweet home. How I wish someone would come and fetch me out right now. Or we could go swimming downstairs.

Today, I saw the campus's psychologist after doing the career test. Seriously. And, I seriously almost teared up in his office. Anyways, he is so so funny. He has the American accent, quite elderly but good looking, tall and very open. We had a great time laughing at all his jokes. After that, it was speed reading workshop. Sedih betul lah. I can't read, I don't read the right way. The more practices we did, the worse score I got. After lunch, we had campus tour.

I ate dinner on my bed, like a thief. Lol.

It's only Tuesday. My god. Oh awesome, Qi Qi brought poker cards. Chao.

Taking its toll

I cannot imagine how irresponsible and ineffective a professional personnel from a super well known medical centre could have been. They dragged the whole scene for a freaking week and then, giving us hope by telling everything's okay. And all of the sudden, from whoever's butthole it came from, it was the six-letter-word which starts with C and ends with R. And it's the final stage. And even worse, three organs are involved. Fisheyeballsimgonnastuffinyournose. I've got nothing else to say. How could something so bad happened so fast without even realising it, maybe they've been ignoring and denying the fact until the truth takes its fair share of justice. I don't know.

Yesterday, I saw the room. I'm sharing with a senior who's already there for quite long but I haven't met her yet. So, her things were messily gathered at her halves of everything. Omg I don't know how to continue. Okay, it was not what I expected to see of a girl's room. She was literally living with roaches. In short, this was what dad said, "And I thought boys are dirty and messy, girls are worse." So true, SOME girls. I'm not gonna complain, this was what I signed myself up to face. The other girls got better bigger rooms with attached bathrooms, some has the room all by themselves with windows to great scenery. It's okay.

Things are gonna change even more after this. Brace yourself.
Have a good Sunday.

Wrong ticket, right train

Well, had trouble sleeping again last night. So I decided to get out of bed and write till I get sleepy. It has become a norm now. I kept thinking, about staying away from home. I thought well, since I got this and not that, it might be a blessing in disguise. But now, it's like, so near and yet so far. I think it's more about the people that I'm about to meet. New environment, new people, new challenges, new expectations. Well, c'est la vie. We make space for the new things in life all the time but we seldom think of cleaning out the old. I guess that's what differentiates us from rats. 

Anyways, food. Homemade club sandwich with extra ham, cheese and mayo. :)

And eyes..

I like this the best. The feeling of 'see through you'..?

=)

Good day.