The people you never hear from, are the ones you yearn for the most.
Never let the ones close to you go unnoticed, taken for granted and feel underappreciated. Times and again, I can't help but notice the tendency in people to reconnect or reconcile before a farewell. Is it the potential of permanent absence that sprouts that tinge of regret and urgency in us hence, we feel somewhat obligated to take that uncomfortable step out of our comfort zone. Or is it our not-so-little egoistic self hindering us from being vulnerable and kind all this while.
It is true that the impact of losses weighs more than the pleasure from the same magnitude of gains.
When facing gains, we are risk-averse creatures, almost always opting the sure option rather than the pain of going through the gamble to grab the grand prize. How lowly we value ourselves, our self-esteem, our tenacity to overcome challenges. Perhaps, we have conformed too much to the perception of what the society considers as 'normal'. Centuries ago, interaction between opposite sexes is a taboo and punishable in some communities. Yet today, we are labelled as old-fashioned and conservative for such behaviours. Those who claims to be updated with the current issues and trends, are they really so?
The true north depends on which perspective you're describing it from.
In preparing for my exchange presentation about Malaysia, I can't help but feel overly dependent on the internet to source for information which I am skeptical about. As much as we stand for the benefits technology has endow us, let's not forget what it has replaced in exchange for convenience and access to abundance of information which we may or may not utilise in the first place. I wish to speak the truth but something tells me that the truth doesn't stand true eternally.
28 August 2016
11 August 2016
Spring, I'm coming!
It has been two weeks since the final paper of my university life. Results is out and with lots of mercy I believe, I'm set to graduate this November! Funny how five years have passed in this university with these people. To someone I used to know: I kept my promise, I finished my studies. Lol. It's true that it's easier in hindsight. I guess there's no need to overthink things sometimes, just jump into it. Like how I jumped in Perhentian, when I realised how scary and possibly life-threatening it was, I was already in mid-air, no turning back. However, when I hit the water and *splash*, it was all so worth it.
What's next is super exciting. For three years I have been attempting to go for an exchange. First, Taiwan then Kyrgyzstan. Third time's a charm it is. Czech Republic is going to be awesome! I just can't wait to meet the students, host families and locals. Really excited to share about my country, cultures and perspective as well. If you have hosted foreign friends in your own country, you would realise that no one country is perfect and at many points, you'd be grateful to be where you are. You know so much about this place, you know how to get somewhere without the help of the GPS, you know where to go to satisfy your food cravings, you see familiar faces yet there's still so much mystery yet to be uncovered. You seek a deeper kind of meaning and relationship instead of all-pretty-and-nice things which merely impress on the surface.
I wish to make this soil I grew up on a better place. I honestly do. But I first need to see more, know better and understand deeply. Phases of growth, I'm getting back on track. The good, the bad, the unexpected, I will embrace them all with grace, faith, wisdom and strength.
What's next is super exciting. For three years I have been attempting to go for an exchange. First, Taiwan then Kyrgyzstan. Third time's a charm it is. Czech Republic is going to be awesome! I just can't wait to meet the students, host families and locals. Really excited to share about my country, cultures and perspective as well. If you have hosted foreign friends in your own country, you would realise that no one country is perfect and at many points, you'd be grateful to be where you are. You know so much about this place, you know how to get somewhere without the help of the GPS, you know where to go to satisfy your food cravings, you see familiar faces yet there's still so much mystery yet to be uncovered. You seek a deeper kind of meaning and relationship instead of all-pretty-and-nice things which merely impress on the surface.
I wish to make this soil I grew up on a better place. I honestly do. But I first need to see more, know better and understand deeply. Phases of growth, I'm getting back on track. The good, the bad, the unexpected, I will embrace them all with grace, faith, wisdom and strength.
Perfect blue. All smiles. Best memories.
11 July 2016
Blazing red
This season, this final sprint. We'll conquer it like warriors with dozens of years of battling experience up our sleeves. Beneath them smiles and composed statures, we contend with agony for our faiths. May we all win in our own ways.
Two feets standing on a principle
Two hands longing for each other's warmth
Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats
Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go
Still - Daughter
04 June 2016
What would you suffer for?
Today marks the end of our study term in the university. The past months, everybody has been exceptionally sentimental, taking more photos than usual with friends and lecturers, going for outings more avidly even when we're in the midst of mid term and assignments. There was just this sudden change of vibe in the air and in everybody. Looking at the whole scene from afar, it really made me think, "What made them behave like that?", "Why the sudden change?", " Is it regret, denial or something else that fueled these actions?" It really was a different sight and I am intrigued to understand it.
I was never one who belongs to one pack and stay comfy in there. I definitely wished that I have had a closer relationship with my coursemates from the beginning but as time passes, it was a decision I consciously make and accountable for. That I am okay alone, that it is not bizarre to have your own plans and not stick to the same lunch buddies every single day. Of course, there are downsides of being a lone ranger like missing out on the latest tips on exams and stuffs. But it's okay, I just have to work a little harder (not very smart but yea). Five years ago, the naive me was disturbed with this harsh reality that being different or "unique" is going to make one an ostracised, miserable, lonely child but evidently, I grew out of it. I decided to prioritise other things and mingle with a different set of friends too in the process. Looking back, there's no regret but I could have managed it better. By 'it', I meant my relationship with people.
This is a letter to my coursemates of four/five years,
It is a fact that I like all of you dearly. I guess I have learned to accept you and people in general for who you are and always see the good side of things. I learned so much from just observing how you have changed over the years. What I am most amazed by is the level of leadership within our batch. There were just so much going on because people are speaking up, initiating ideas and plans, taking the lead to translate ideas into actions and as a result, good times and fond memories are created. It is such a joy to see really. One thing that never changed is your overflowing of kindness. I can confidently say that the pharmacy school community is the kindest and most selfless one in the entire university that I have come across with. I am thankful for the times that you have randomly asked me to join you for lunch or trips to Janda Baik or Cameron Highlands. Also the efforts to keep me awake during lectures. Then there are a few who constantly engage everyone by making jokes, asking random questions or simply standing next to me while waiting to enter the lecture theater so I won't feel left out. It's all these little quirks and acts of care and love that enabled us to be vulnerable and more connected with each other.
At this point, I think everyone sort of feel the same mixed feelings; excited to sit for our final examination in university, motivated to do our best this last couple of months, worried about our job posting and career path, clueless of what our options are, doubtful of our capabilities compared to the market's expectations, anxious of leaving this worry-free student life bubble and perhaps very dreadful to step out into the crude working life. Whatever it is that you may be feeling, it is okay. As crucial as all these decisions may seem, slow down, take time and reflect. We have just spent five years of our lives in university. That's a really long time. Long enough to cause anyone to feel so comfortable and reluctant to move on to something new. So just shut your mind from all external voices and listen to your own voice for a moment.
We often come across articles about doing the job that makes you happy so you would never have to work a single day of your life. However, when that source of happiness is no longer there, does that mean that there's no point going on doing that job? Thus, instead of thinking of what makes you happy because I'm sure there are a lot of things that make us happy or neutral, think about what you are willing to SUFFER for. By doing this, you would figure out what you are truly determined to pursue. The fact is that we are all humans, we try our best to avoid pain and suffering. Because of this, we always do ourselves injustice by accepting what we don't deserve. How many of us can relate to this, "I don't mind doing this, It's not my first choice/I didn't know what to do but this is fine too." We will become more complacent if we don't start taking charge of our lives.
I love you all and I truly wish the best in everything that you choose to do. Most importantly, choose your battles wisely and may you arise better versions of yourself every day!
Always keeping you in prayers,
Canny
P.S. I'm not a sadist/masochist. LOL.
Have a read. :)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-manson/the-most-important-question_b_4269161.html
I was never one who belongs to one pack and stay comfy in there. I definitely wished that I have had a closer relationship with my coursemates from the beginning but as time passes, it was a decision I consciously make and accountable for. That I am okay alone, that it is not bizarre to have your own plans and not stick to the same lunch buddies every single day. Of course, there are downsides of being a lone ranger like missing out on the latest tips on exams and stuffs. But it's okay, I just have to work a little harder (not very smart but yea). Five years ago, the naive me was disturbed with this harsh reality that being different or "unique" is going to make one an ostracised, miserable, lonely child but evidently, I grew out of it. I decided to prioritise other things and mingle with a different set of friends too in the process. Looking back, there's no regret but I could have managed it better. By 'it', I meant my relationship with people.
This is a letter to my coursemates of four/five years,
It is a fact that I like all of you dearly. I guess I have learned to accept you and people in general for who you are and always see the good side of things. I learned so much from just observing how you have changed over the years. What I am most amazed by is the level of leadership within our batch. There were just so much going on because people are speaking up, initiating ideas and plans, taking the lead to translate ideas into actions and as a result, good times and fond memories are created. It is such a joy to see really. One thing that never changed is your overflowing of kindness. I can confidently say that the pharmacy school community is the kindest and most selfless one in the entire university that I have come across with. I am thankful for the times that you have randomly asked me to join you for lunch or trips to Janda Baik or Cameron Highlands. Also the efforts to keep me awake during lectures. Then there are a few who constantly engage everyone by making jokes, asking random questions or simply standing next to me while waiting to enter the lecture theater so I won't feel left out. It's all these little quirks and acts of care and love that enabled us to be vulnerable and more connected with each other.
At this point, I think everyone sort of feel the same mixed feelings; excited to sit for our final examination in university, motivated to do our best this last couple of months, worried about our job posting and career path, clueless of what our options are, doubtful of our capabilities compared to the market's expectations, anxious of leaving this worry-free student life bubble and perhaps very dreadful to step out into the crude working life. Whatever it is that you may be feeling, it is okay. As crucial as all these decisions may seem, slow down, take time and reflect. We have just spent five years of our lives in university. That's a really long time. Long enough to cause anyone to feel so comfortable and reluctant to move on to something new. So just shut your mind from all external voices and listen to your own voice for a moment.
We often come across articles about doing the job that makes you happy so you would never have to work a single day of your life. However, when that source of happiness is no longer there, does that mean that there's no point going on doing that job? Thus, instead of thinking of what makes you happy because I'm sure there are a lot of things that make us happy or neutral, think about what you are willing to SUFFER for. By doing this, you would figure out what you are truly determined to pursue. The fact is that we are all humans, we try our best to avoid pain and suffering. Because of this, we always do ourselves injustice by accepting what we don't deserve. How many of us can relate to this, "I don't mind doing this, It's not my first choice/I didn't know what to do but this is fine too." We will become more complacent if we don't start taking charge of our lives.
I love you all and I truly wish the best in everything that you choose to do. Most importantly, choose your battles wisely and may you arise better versions of yourself every day!
Always keeping you in prayers,
Canny
P.S. I'm not a sadist/masochist. LOL.
Have a read. :)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-manson/the-most-important-question_b_4269161.html
13 April 2016
24 February 2016
Lithe dancers
Another girl sitting at the bar, her motionless back facing the entrance; to rid any possibility of bumping into a familiar face. She had sat on the same spot with an empty, now all-warmed up glass in her little palms for about three hours now. Her stare was so intense and fixated onto the dark amber liquid of a particular bottle of expensive Japanese whiskey sitting notably like a prized jewel in the cabinet behind where Jacob, the bartender was standing all night.
Jacob who was busy interacting with and serving his customers is now curious. He has never seen this girl in town and from the way she looked plus the fact that she hasn't spoken a word in English, she must be Russian. Or mute, possibly. Working at the bar for five years now, Jacob has come to peace in letting troubled faces slip by him nightly. He has learned the hard way that there is only so much he can do to help. "This girl, is just another troubled soul," he convinced himself for the seventh time since she sat there.
Both the hands of the clock are now parallel at the number '2'. She looked slightly disappointed at the sight of it. Perhaps she was abandoned by her date. And now she has passed her bed time and becoming grumpy. Maybe she's just pitiful to have no friends to hang out with. Slowly, she stood up, leaned against the bar table and left quietly, like she was never there. When Jacob walked over to keep her glass, he saw a note underneath it. His eyes watered when he read the note. He stared blankly towards the direction of the exit for about a minute thereafter before resuming his duties.
Jacob who was busy interacting with and serving his customers is now curious. He has never seen this girl in town and from the way she looked plus the fact that she hasn't spoken a word in English, she must be Russian. Or mute, possibly. Working at the bar for five years now, Jacob has come to peace in letting troubled faces slip by him nightly. He has learned the hard way that there is only so much he can do to help. "This girl, is just another troubled soul," he convinced himself for the seventh time since she sat there.
Both the hands of the clock are now parallel at the number '2'. She looked slightly disappointed at the sight of it. Perhaps she was abandoned by her date. And now she has passed her bed time and becoming grumpy. Maybe she's just pitiful to have no friends to hang out with. Slowly, she stood up, leaned against the bar table and left quietly, like she was never there. When Jacob walked over to keep her glass, he saw a note underneath it. His eyes watered when he read the note. He stared blankly towards the direction of the exit for about a minute thereafter before resuming his duties.
My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, you have found peace
You were searching for relief
My Love - Sia
28 December 2015
Delicate Fluff (not so)
As a child, learning new things used to be fun, exciting and rewarding. As we grow up, we are very much more selective in the things that we consume, listen to and surround ourselves with. We become skeptical with so many things. Being overload with information most of the time could be one of the main reasons to that. Worst of all, unreliable information we overheard and picked up from the atmosphere. It is as if this world, this life, this air that we are breathing is unrecognisable; thick, smoke-like, blurring our vision to what's in front of our eyes. I hate to say that it can get really tiring trying to reach out to a person's heart across the thick barrier that they have built upon our first salutation. Perhaps I am one of such character as well, in order to tell one. It's a shame that the strangers-friends-acquaintances-strangers cycle is an inevitable ride some relationships partake but I guess at certain points, the right ones hopefully, a change of air, a much needed breather, a break, a reset-button miracle could set things in place again and we could then, restart. Restart: one word I have come across many times recently. It talks about how restarting isn't a bad thing, it's not laborious, time-consuming nor unnecessary. Instead, we should feel honoured to be endowed with the privilege to do so. For me, this year has been a great year of restarting, for real. One solid, ground-breaking culmination of a seed so hungry for a better state and living condition and just yearning to grow up and out of the quicksand it was constantly sowed in. Now, slowly but surely, its strong roots are growing deep into the earth, leaving its footprints subtly but more importantly, a provider of reliable support systems for the generations to come and branches reaching high into the sky, a living evidence for the other seedlings to look forward to a journey filled with mystery and happiness so abundantly given all they have to do is to extend their peripheries and receive. Love, as complicated and intangible a subject as it may seem, is not something we need to ask for. This simple truth, fundamental yet hardly understood by many. The important things in life, there aren't many. Lose a couple of them for long enough and you will end up with scar tissues that numb you from within. Hence, we ought to be graceful in every extension of ourselves. It's okay to try and fail, and keep trying. #rambles
Sometimes I wish we could be strangers
So I didn't have to know your pain
But if I kept myself from danger
This emptiness would feel the same
No Angel - Birdy
01 November 2015
Bread of Life
In seeking for a relationship of pure, unconditional and selfless love, we often overlook the one person who has always been there with us through ups and downs. Despite being rejected time and time again, He still persists and patiently waits for us until the day comes where we surrender and acknowledge His presence and love for us. It's sometimes ironic how we long for a love so perfect and fulfilling yet when we have finally stumbled upon one, we think that it is too perfect to be true. We contradict ourselves. I do, countless of times. I am fortunate beyond words for all I have experienced and for who I am today, all the glory goes to Him, my one and only Saviour and Lord.
I occasionally am caught by surprise by the things I wantonly say to others. I know it wasn't me but it was the projection of something greater, wiser and more divine. Yesterday, men's selfishness got to me. Yes, men are generally selfish for survival sake but in certain cases, it is the abundantly rich being the more insecure and fearful ones. It may be true that when you acquire something in excess or beyond need, you lose balance of the other possessions as more attention is now vested into your newly found 'fortune'. So you lose time for yourself, your favourite pass time activity, relationships or career. From the sense of losing control and balance, insecurity creeps up and you acquire that survival instinct to prioritise yourself above everything and everyone else. Hence, selfish acts result. Now what do you do when someone is acting selfishly. You treat their insecurities, you give them comfort, piece of mind, hope, trust and companionship. For every action from hope will selflessly extend itself into the universe.
Our deepest fear is not losing all of our money and possessions, but of being alone and living a life of loneliness. When time gets tough, let us not drift away from our loved ones for the fear of troubling them and adding on to their burden. Instead, stay closer to them, pray that you acquire the strength or wisdom needed and work it through together. That way the perfect relationship with the strongest roots of foundation will grow and flourish through scorching hot sunlight, drought, flood or the craziest sandstorm.
We just got to believe it .
I sat and dreamed at the foot of your bed
You split my skull and reached inside my head
And pulled out the pictures I'd been wishing I'd forget
And you stitched me up then
And wiped the blood from off my chin
Glory - Radical Face
24 September 2015
6
No man is an island, this I know
But can't you see?
Maybe you were the ocean when I was just a stone
Black Flies - Ben Howard
14 September 2015
Let There Be Love
It has been almost four months since I was discharged of my duties in AIESEC. During my service, I often dread the thought of having to move on to a new routine and get to know a new bunch of people right from the start. Well, when you belong to an organisation, it easy to think that we were all like-minded and assume that we all have the same intention and headed towards the same direction. On the other hand, when you're alone, representing solely yourself after three years of living in the same peculiar bubble, succumbing to the temptation of falling into another bubble is a commonplace sight.
First week into my my final year as a pharmacy student, I was afraid. I was afraid of screwing up, I was tired of trying to fit in knowing it's already too late, it's freaking final year already, I was cautious not to bump into familiar faces so I didn't have to face questions or rather remarks like "How's life after AIESEC?", "So you must be very free now" or "You look happier now". I really wish to know what were they thinking when they said such things, what was the intention behind those premature deductions. Were there something I could help them with? If yes, how?
Second week, things were pacing up. Final year project is at the top of everybody's mind. Mine, was going in all direction but right. I'm somewhat grateful that this happened to the bunch of us four because we started communicating more and worked hand-in-hand to overcome the situation. Hopefully things get better after the commitment declaration-ish discussion we had with our supervisor the other day. This incident also showed me how easily one blames another when faced with challenges. Perhaps it's due to the sudden irrational burst of emotions mixed with disappointment but quickly, sensibility filled in and we continued progressing forward. I'm also glad that I joined the barbecue at Sepang Gold Coast over the weekend. Have always missed class outings due to other commitments.
The start of the third week brings a whole new set of vibe for some reason. I had a list of behavioural changes I wanted to implement immediately. That feeling of #yolo and #ifnotnowwhen. I felt like I was observing for too long and way too many people that I began to lose sight of myself and what I really want. I'm tired of overthinking. I want to be tired of doing instead. It's funny how people and things around you start to change for the better as well when you take that little step to improve. Baby steps, goes a long way. Though it has only been a week, I feel great physically especially, not so initially of course. I was living a terribly sedentary lifestyle for the past two years. Now, I have a goal to work towards, support system by my side and attractive view every time I hit the gym. Lol.
I don't know why I started typing about my personal life, usually it's something super generic or fiction-like but I guess it's a side effect of me trying to be a little fearless? :D. Can't do shit with fear in our way all the time, can we. Anyways, I really hope that more people can live a life true to themselves and serve a purpose of their own which they are truly proud of. I wish everyone peace, love and understanding. :)
First week into my my final year as a pharmacy student, I was afraid. I was afraid of screwing up, I was tired of trying to fit in knowing it's already too late, it's freaking final year already, I was cautious not to bump into familiar faces so I didn't have to face questions or rather remarks like "How's life after AIESEC?", "So you must be very free now" or "You look happier now". I really wish to know what were they thinking when they said such things, what was the intention behind those premature deductions. Were there something I could help them with? If yes, how?
Second week, things were pacing up. Final year project is at the top of everybody's mind. Mine, was going in all direction but right. I'm somewhat grateful that this happened to the bunch of us four because we started communicating more and worked hand-in-hand to overcome the situation. Hopefully things get better after the commitment declaration-ish discussion we had with our supervisor the other day. This incident also showed me how easily one blames another when faced with challenges. Perhaps it's due to the sudden irrational burst of emotions mixed with disappointment but quickly, sensibility filled in and we continued progressing forward. I'm also glad that I joined the barbecue at Sepang Gold Coast over the weekend. Have always missed class outings due to other commitments.
The start of the third week brings a whole new set of vibe for some reason. I had a list of behavioural changes I wanted to implement immediately. That feeling of #yolo and #ifnotnowwhen. I felt like I was observing for too long and way too many people that I began to lose sight of myself and what I really want. I'm tired of overthinking. I want to be tired of doing instead. It's funny how people and things around you start to change for the better as well when you take that little step to improve. Baby steps, goes a long way. Though it has only been a week, I feel great physically especially, not so initially of course. I was living a terribly sedentary lifestyle for the past two years. Now, I have a goal to work towards, support system by my side and attractive view every time I hit the gym. Lol.
I don't know why I started typing about my personal life, usually it's something super generic or fiction-like but I guess it's a side effect of me trying to be a little fearless? :D. Can't do shit with fear in our way all the time, can we. Anyways, I really hope that more people can live a life true to themselves and serve a purpose of their own which they are truly proud of. I wish everyone peace, love and understanding. :)
I hope the weather is calm
As you sail up your heavenly stream
Suspended clear in the sky
Are the words that we sing in our dreams
Let There Be Love - Oasis
18 August 2015
Mystery Ride
A wanton decision. A week of planning. Two countries. Eleven days of adventure.
Being away, or rather getting away can be therapeutic especially when you have been cemented on one spot and wrapped up in the same bubble for too long. You stop growing, mentally and spiritually. All of your energy, attention and time are channeled into that one matter you commit yourself to. Instead of being swamped by sheer clarity and conviction, your sight is clouded with more questions and possibilities. The urge to seek and unravel your true potential.
A getaway was all I needed.
I thought it would be beneficial or even enlightening to breathe a different air, to see the unusual and to live the unconventional. As the saying goes, we only realise the absence of and appreciate what we have once they're lost, don't we. Now that there isn't a particular pressure source and assigned mission, I am like a kite in the air, swaying freely but in no ways, in the invisible path that is proudly my own. Then again, I believe it is not an entirely negative notion. Like the water, it is flexible, ever changing yet changeless, adopting the shape of any container, brook or cranny. One of the many things I need to learn and inherent.
A humbling and challenging experience it was.
Throughout the trip, I am constantly reminded of how grateful I am for being blessed with all I have. Beyond that, I truly care about these people. Despite the furiosity at certain times when I was treated undeservingly, I try to understand how difficult it must be to start from scratch after the crude Pol Pot regime era and also the typhoon. Some of them are still trying hard to locate their families and many children are without parents. The advancing tourism sector mostly benefits people with close proximity to touristic spots and protected buildings hence, the income distribution widely differs across different status depending on their skills and occupation. I truly admire their determination and perseverance.
There is so much to say but mostly feelings that I wish more people would acquire when they visit the country themselves. It was more than a getaway that I desired, it was a life lesson and beautiful discovery.
02 August 2015
Cheesy
Remember the time you were worried about how you would look on prom night. Fear of being called on stage by your best buds to put you on the spot and be embarrassed in front of the girl you have had a liking for throughout the entire year. A mixture of fear and excitement filled your body and soul nights or even weeks before the big day. You kept playing in your mind how the night would turn out to be, how you would greet her by the staircase, how you would smile without looking too over the moon, what to say if you bump into her at the hallway or whether you should put your hands in your pockets or hold them in front. Thoughts, they run like wildfire in your little fragile head.
Years have gone by. Changes are evident. You have lesser hair, shinier forehead and seemingly smaller body frame than you used to. What could have stayed the same? Our first exchange of words felt like a fresh breath of air I have never encountered nor expected. I couldn't put my finger on whether I like it or not but one thing for sure, I wanted more of it. It sparked my curiosity and once again, I am on a valiant journey of comprehension and understanding.
Many people I have come across with couldn't comprehend why is it such a significant matter when I choose to know a person deeply. It is significant when it is mutual understanding, effort and intentions. A friend from afar helped me confirm this realisation; think about this, how often do you meet someone so attractive, who gets you on your feet to strike up a conversation with them. For me, hardly. Call me picky, ignorant or selective in admitting people into my social circle but I'm a tad more sensitive and an overthinker whenever I'm showered with attention and treatments that surpass what I think I deserve. I guess it boils down to intention. Make it clear and life will be easier! :)
Side note. The long awaited getaway-cum-self reflection is finally near. I wish to make the most out of it, cherish every moment and live every differences. Whatever the result is on the tenth, I will embrace it and move on for the better.
Oh how do I thank every brilliant soul who have made my life so beautiful and lovely. God bless. Oh and happy August! ♥
Years have gone by. Changes are evident. You have lesser hair, shinier forehead and seemingly smaller body frame than you used to. What could have stayed the same? Our first exchange of words felt like a fresh breath of air I have never encountered nor expected. I couldn't put my finger on whether I like it or not but one thing for sure, I wanted more of it. It sparked my curiosity and once again, I am on a valiant journey of comprehension and understanding.
Many people I have come across with couldn't comprehend why is it such a significant matter when I choose to know a person deeply. It is significant when it is mutual understanding, effort and intentions. A friend from afar helped me confirm this realisation; think about this, how often do you meet someone so attractive, who gets you on your feet to strike up a conversation with them. For me, hardly. Call me picky, ignorant or selective in admitting people into my social circle but I'm a tad more sensitive and an overthinker whenever I'm showered with attention and treatments that surpass what I think I deserve. I guess it boils down to intention. Make it clear and life will be easier! :)
Side note. The long awaited getaway-cum-self reflection is finally near. I wish to make the most out of it, cherish every moment and live every differences. Whatever the result is on the tenth, I will embrace it and move on for the better.
Oh how do I thank every brilliant soul who have made my life so beautiful and lovely. God bless. Oh and happy August! ♥
Promise - Ben Howard
14 June 2015
Moments Like This, It Comes and Goes
At times of anger, breathe
At times of grief, pray
At times of love, cherish
At times of fear, persist
At times of loss, tear
At times of hope, act on it
At times of grief, pray
At times of love, cherish
At times of fear, persist
At times of loss, tear
At times of hope, act on it
07 May 2015
A Summer's Dance
How do I feel?
The simplest yet one of the most difficult questions to answer. Often times, our minds are just too bogged down with the latest news around the globe, the biggest hoo-haa in the university, Whatsapp messages flooding your mobile phone's screen constantly, emailed to be replied within 48 hours, assignment deadlines to meet, house errands to check off, important dates to remember, and the list could go on as long as we live in this 'connected' world.
It has been a good ten months that my priorities were consciously shoved away from myself and heavily concentrated on the duties and responsibilities that I uphold. Sometimes, it goes unexpectedly beyond my job descriptions. Then again, there was no clear cut job descriptions when I signed up to begin with. The best part of all, unleashing various sides of myself that I never knew existed. Perhaps deep down, I am this adventurous dare devil who knows no consequences, where "living in the moment" is my life principle. It goes without saying that giving will always be a significant part of me, whichever form of living I end up as. Not because I wish to avoid facing my own predicaments, but because I have experienced such bitterness that I wish no one would go through the same. But that would be senseless cause then they wouldn't be able to seek the clarity and understanding that I did.
Why do we run from pain?
I don't run, I just wait for it to reach me eventually. Hmm anyways, I think I have quite a high tolerance for physical pain. Emotionally, it was quite an experience itself. The thing about humans is that we run, we flee without knowing exactly what it is that we are fleeing from. We notice a dark figure passing at the corner of our eye and we conclude it to be a spirit and scare the shit out of ourselves. We see a cockroach and scream for our lives like it is about to swallow us whole. The truth is, we are not brought up in a societal system that teaches us nothing but the crudest, blackest, darkest and most obnoxious. We have a choice, to live wearing our own comfy pair of flats or bleed in stilettos just to fit in. Some may ask, why even bother covering your feet? Generalising here, I think those are the kind who think they are the author of everyone's lives or just blind hipsters wannabe. The thing is, we just got to let go a little sometimes.
What is next?
A new quest. New country. New people. New experience. New cultures. New ideologies. New excitement. New knowledge. New skills. Same me, just reinventing for the better. It would be a super amazing one. I do not know what's been planned for me or what opportunities I will jump on to tomorrow but I am sure that I would not regret these decisions I make. That I am learning to live alongside uncertainties.
This is the start of a summer's dance. :)
The simplest yet one of the most difficult questions to answer. Often times, our minds are just too bogged down with the latest news around the globe, the biggest hoo-haa in the university, Whatsapp messages flooding your mobile phone's screen constantly, emailed to be replied within 48 hours, assignment deadlines to meet, house errands to check off, important dates to remember, and the list could go on as long as we live in this 'connected' world.
It has been a good ten months that my priorities were consciously shoved away from myself and heavily concentrated on the duties and responsibilities that I uphold. Sometimes, it goes unexpectedly beyond my job descriptions. Then again, there was no clear cut job descriptions when I signed up to begin with. The best part of all, unleashing various sides of myself that I never knew existed. Perhaps deep down, I am this adventurous dare devil who knows no consequences, where "living in the moment" is my life principle. It goes without saying that giving will always be a significant part of me, whichever form of living I end up as. Not because I wish to avoid facing my own predicaments, but because I have experienced such bitterness that I wish no one would go through the same. But that would be senseless cause then they wouldn't be able to seek the clarity and understanding that I did.
Why do we run from pain?
I don't run, I just wait for it to reach me eventually. Hmm anyways, I think I have quite a high tolerance for physical pain. Emotionally, it was quite an experience itself. The thing about humans is that we run, we flee without knowing exactly what it is that we are fleeing from. We notice a dark figure passing at the corner of our eye and we conclude it to be a spirit and scare the shit out of ourselves. We see a cockroach and scream for our lives like it is about to swallow us whole. The truth is, we are not brought up in a societal system that teaches us nothing but the crudest, blackest, darkest and most obnoxious. We have a choice, to live wearing our own comfy pair of flats or bleed in stilettos just to fit in. Some may ask, why even bother covering your feet? Generalising here, I think those are the kind who think they are the author of everyone's lives or just blind hipsters wannabe. The thing is, we just got to let go a little sometimes.
What is next?
A new quest. New country. New people. New experience. New cultures. New ideologies. New excitement. New knowledge. New skills. Same me, just reinventing for the better. It would be a super amazing one. I do not know what's been planned for me or what opportunities I will jump on to tomorrow but I am sure that I would not regret these decisions I make. That I am learning to live alongside uncertainties.
This is the start of a summer's dance. :)
21 February 2015
Part II
Life is like a series of coaches attached end to end. Chapters, they call it. Once you're done with one, you move on to another. You leave what's undesirable and bring along what excites you. Little did you know that at some points eventually, everything you bring along will leave the coach and be replenished by the occasionally on-duty waiters. With time, you adapt to the changes, the surprises that awaits you, you start to find joy in the bumpy rides. Most importantly, you keep moving.
The usual lovely family gatherings, familiar faces, good food and chillax mode. :)
The usual lovely family gatherings, familiar faces, good food and chillax mode. :)
 |
| Good things happen at night. Lols. |
Here Comes The Night Time - Arcade Fire
03 December 2014
30 November 2014
Coexist
Much realisations about one self that brings great disappointment, self-doubts and fear. You think you're progressing well, getting ahead of everything else only to realise that you're only escaping the other end temporarily. It brings much concern as the inability of expressing yourself or untangling the knot creeps in. The dungeon that you think you've conquered time and again proves you wrong. The sole dungeon keeper is back to question your quest.
Missing - The xx
11 November 2014
Jarrod & Rawlins
It was a good evening with good food, good ride, good company, good view, good dessert and good conversation. Sounds like a too good to be true description of one's day. Perhaps you just need a good intention followed by action to make a difference in someone's life.
******
About eight months ago, I was in their shoes, having all these dilemmas and doubts about myself that nudged me every day and night until it was over. I now witness in them, people I have complete faith in going through similar struggle, similar battle. I wish I can make things better, I hope I can do more of the right things to knock the negativity out of them, if there is even a right thing to begin with. But here I realise there is no one ultimate truth. Everyone's journey is a uniquely crafted one, equally special for each one of us. And there is no way that we can walk the journey of somebody else's. I'm grateful that things are how they are at the moment, I would not want it any other way. But may I also wish for a better self, from every little steps that I am committing myself to at the present.
So, what's next?
******
About eight months ago, I was in their shoes, having all these dilemmas and doubts about myself that nudged me every day and night until it was over. I now witness in them, people I have complete faith in going through similar struggle, similar battle. I wish I can make things better, I hope I can do more of the right things to knock the negativity out of them, if there is even a right thing to begin with. But here I realise there is no one ultimate truth. Everyone's journey is a uniquely crafted one, equally special for each one of us. And there is no way that we can walk the journey of somebody else's. I'm grateful that things are how they are at the moment, I would not want it any other way. But may I also wish for a better self, from every little steps that I am committing myself to at the present.
So, what's next?
Cherry Wine - Hozier
17 September 2014
The joke and the laugh
"Being alive is like being lost at sea. The water is never calm and things do get worse with the rain and unpredictable currents. But you keep staying afloat in hopes that you will eventually wash up on shore to find eternal peace and happiness. However, such fortune does not befall any random person and sometimes man grows content with the cruelty and harsh environment of the sea and decides that he no longer needs the land. But in the worst of cases, man finds himself on an island and although surrounded by people, he feels lost as he has grown to be more comfortable with the sea."
A very impromptu passage written by Mr. Omar Khan. A message that didn't mean much initially but connected really well with my subconscious that I sleep text the whole passage the other day.
We often leave things unsaid, undone and unforgotten. I guess the trick is to dream about them, experience them as it they were real and keep being pushed forward by the positive image in your mind till you make it. Even if you fail, you will clearly remember that image that no one has but you. When needed, it will replay like a roll film.
24 July 2014
Latent
It's in a blur. Ever since the very first time he witnessed a pink flower blossomed in spring. It was the most breathtaking moment he ever had, and he knew at that point that nothing in the world can ever beat that moment. Not even winning the weekend lottery. Nor seeing his wife again. There are certain things in life that cannot be replaced. He knows that absolutely well since the tragedy seven months ago. But he also knows that it is not because it cannot be replaced, but because he refuses it to. He likes how special it made him feel and he likes to think that he was the only person in the whole of Carousel Garden who saw the flower bloomed. Or at least the first.
One day, he decided to tour the land of Mongolia, where people hunt for a living. He wanted to experience something exciting, crazy, almost going back to his high school days. Jumping on the first flight available, packing in his backpack only three tees, two cargo shorts and five worn out briefs. He couldn't risk losing his expensive silk-made ones. Also, leaving out his comb cause there's no plans of bringing Noelle along. Noelle is his faithful, three-year-old DSLR. . He reached the airport in an hour and his eyes were caught on a kid sucking on a lollipop. He stopped and continued staring at the kid. They both met eyes to eyes, she paused for a moment and walked towards him. She reached out and offered him her lollipop.
He didn't know what to do. He wanted it so badly because he hadn't had a lollipop for almost half a decade since his wife left him. But he felt awful at the same time, that lollipop didn't belong to him. Perhaps, he would have taken it if he had never witnessed the pink flower blossomed..
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