Cannonball

He picked up his phone from the ground after dropping it a couple of times through his clumsy fingers and held it to his ear anxiously, hoping that the person on the other side of the line is still holding on to the odd call at three in the morning. He usually goes to bed at eleven but something about that night kept him awake till three. Maybe it's the nap he had in the evening? Maybe it's the four shots of espresso? Maybe.. it is..

"Hell...lo?", the other person replied, cleansing her throat a little at the end. He stoned for a sec. That voice, it sounded familiar but not the first voice he'd expected to hear at such hour. He wouldn't be surprised if it was his wasted brother who goes down to the town bar every Friday Night to meet up with a bunch of losers he calls his buddies. It was a girl this time, and it was her.

"Hi.. Is everything okay?"

"Nothing, it's just.. tonight, something's making me do this. I.. I swear, honestly didn't want to.. Something, something is urging me to dial your number."

A good five and a half seconds of awkward silence passed as if time paused for a breather.

She felt an increasingly burdening load piling on her chest. All she wanted to do was to end the call and scream to the top of her lungs with her head buried tightly under her pillow so as to not disturb her parents and her neighbours. She continued waiting for another good two minutes. Both of them.

And it extended for another five years.

Stretched.

There'll be times you'll just cry so fucking hard for whatever reasons till your head hurts and you feel like you're gonna puke with the taste of food. You make big decisions thinking that you have what it takes. You go into the battlefield with the highest fake arrogance and confidence you could muster within yourself and you preach like you know what you're doing. And then the inquisition comes, there's no running away from it. You know you can't say shit because those people in front of you had been through it all, they KNOW every single move that you trying to take. They have seen it all. If you're tough enough, you'll survive it without a shed of tear. If you're not, you break in front of them. You're stripped down bare till only whatever's left of you. No place to hide, no place to run to. And it doesn't end there. In order to go further, you know you need to keep your head low and ask for feedback. Again, another round of bullets into your chest. You're exhausted, you're fed up with yourselves, you're tired of trying to please everyone, you're just so tempted to be a person with rotten qualities cause it seems so easy to be one, but you can't. you don't want to. You've come too far to go back to where you've moved on from. Funny how we think of convincing others when we can't convince ourselves in the first place. It's ridiculous to do something which you don't have full clarity of. Or at least, that's what others say. I'm never good with verbal communication. It's gonna take quite some time more to see significant outcome. I've been trying I swear. For now, let's just hug the hugeass teddy bear and get some shut eyes. And mind.

The Polar Dream

So I'm sitting here typing in uni alone cause it's the semester break, everyone's out there having fun or back in their hometown and I'm here finishing some tasks before I leave for a long conference tomorrow. I'm really excited, there's gonna be 600 plus delegates. It's simply insane. Thinking back, I'm gonna be facilitating with some of my teammates from my team 'Tiger' last year. How time flies, people changed for the better and now we take the same path of growing further together. I truly hope to plant some seeds and inspire some beans to sprout during this conference. It did wonders to me, I hope the same for others. That's the beauty of being in this organisation.

The thoughts that linger in the air, it comes and goes according to the direction of the wind. You get hold of some and some, it sticks with you like stubborn pollen. One of them speaks, "How do you know if you're happy?" When you're physically alone and you say, I'm comfortable being alone, I'm grateful for the soul given back to me when I woke up this morning, I'm thankful for this very moment that I'm living in and there's nothing more that I could have asked for. People say you're weird but you know that you're unique that way. You're confident being the quirky you because that's who you truly are. You are significantly more vulnerable to certain people compared to others. Funny thing, you're not afraid that they may backstab you because you know that everything is a choice, out of free will. You have chosen this path and you naturally assume responsibility over it. So what's happiness. When a person says, "I'm happy"? To me, being happy comes with gratitude. That way, it's a sustainable form of happiness, a higher form of happiness.

It's a short post cause I'm gonna go back to the 'epic love story' I started reading after a year it being on my shelf. Tata and Happy Chinese New Year, lovelies. :)

She's beautiful, he's beautiful.

But life has its magnificent way of spicing things up.