Let There Be Love

It has been almost four months since I was discharged of my duties in AIESEC. During my service, I often dread the thought of having to move on to a new routine and get to know a new bunch of people right from the start. Well, when you belong to an organisation, it easy to think that we were all like-minded and assume that we all have the same intention and headed towards the same direction. On the other hand, when you're alone, representing solely yourself after three years of living in the same peculiar bubble, succumbing to the temptation of falling into another bubble is a commonplace sight.

First week into my my final year as a pharmacy student, I was afraid. I was afraid of screwing up, I was tired of trying to fit in knowing it's already too late, it's freaking final year already, I was cautious not to bump into familiar faces so I didn't have to face questions or rather remarks like "How's life after AIESEC?", "So you must be very free now" or "You look happier now". I really wish to know what were they thinking when they said such things, what was the intention behind those premature deductions. Were there something I could help them with? If yes, how?

Second week, things were pacing up. Final year project is at the top of everybody's mind. Mine, was going in all direction but right. I'm somewhat grateful that this happened to the bunch of us four because we started communicating more and worked hand-in-hand to overcome the situation. Hopefully things get better after the commitment declaration-ish discussion we had with our supervisor the other day. This incident also showed me how easily one blames another when faced with challenges. Perhaps it's due to the sudden irrational burst of emotions mixed with disappointment but quickly, sensibility filled in and we continued progressing forward. I'm also glad that I joined the barbecue at Sepang Gold Coast over the weekend. Have always missed class outings due to other commitments.

The start of the third week brings a whole new set of vibe for some reason. I had a list of behavioural changes I wanted to implement immediately. That feeling of #yolo and #ifnotnowwhen. I felt like I was observing for too long and way too many people that I began to lose sight of myself and what I really want. I'm tired of overthinking. I want to be tired of doing instead. It's funny how people and things around you start to change for the better as well when you take that little step to improve. Baby steps, goes a long way. Though it has only been a week, I feel great physically especially, not so initially of course. I was living a  terribly sedentary lifestyle for the past two years. Now, I have a goal to work towards, support system by my side and attractive view every time I hit the gym. Lol.

I don't know why I started typing about my personal life, usually it's something super generic or fiction-like but I guess it's a side effect of me trying to be a little fearless? :D. Can't do shit with fear in our way all the time, can we. Anyways, I really hope that more people can live a life true to themselves and serve a purpose of their own which they are truly proud of. I wish everyone peace, love and understanding. :)

I hope the weather is calm

As you sail up your heavenly stream

Suspended clear in the sky

Are the words that we sing in our dreams

Let There Be Love - Oasis

Mystery Ride

A wanton decision. A week of planning. Two countries. Eleven days of adventure. 

Being away, or rather getting away can be therapeutic especially when you have been cemented on one spot and wrapped up in the same bubble for too long. You stop growing, mentally and spiritually. All of your energy, attention and time are channeled into that one matter you commit yourself to. Instead of being swamped by sheer clarity and conviction, your sight is clouded with more questions and possibilities. The urge to seek and unravel your true potential. 

A getaway was all I needed. 

I thought it would be beneficial or even enlightening to breathe a different air, to see the unusual and to live the unconventional. As the saying goes, we only realise the absence of and appreciate what we have once they're lost, don't we. Now that there isn't a particular pressure source and assigned mission, I am like a kite in the air, swaying freely but in no ways, in the invisible path that is proudly my own. Then again, I believe it is not an entirely negative notion. Like the water, it is flexible, ever changing yet changeless, adopting the shape of any container, brook or cranny. One of the many things I need to learn and inherent. 

A humbling and challenging experience it was. 

Throughout the trip, I am constantly reminded of how grateful I am for being blessed with all I have. Beyond that, I truly care about these people. Despite the furiosity at certain times when I was treated undeservingly, I try to understand how difficult it must be to start from scratch after the crude Pol Pot regime era and also the typhoon. Some of them are still trying hard to locate their families and many children are without parents. The advancing tourism sector mostly benefits people with close proximity to touristic spots and protected buildings hence, the income distribution widely differs across different status depending on their skills and occupation. I truly admire their determination and perseverance. 

There is so much to say but mostly feelings that I wish more people would acquire when they visit the country themselves. It was more than a getaway that I desired, it was a life lesson and beautiful discovery. 

Cheesy

Remember the time you were worried about how you would look on prom night. Fear of being called on stage by your best buds to put you on the spot and be embarrassed in front of the girl you have had a liking for throughout the entire year. A mixture of fear and excitement filled your body and soul nights or even weeks before the big day. You kept playing in your mind how the night would turn out to be, how you would greet her by the staircase, how you would smile without looking too over the moon, what to say if you bump into her at the hallway or whether you should put your hands in your pockets or hold them in front. Thoughts, they run like wildfire in your little fragile head.

Years have gone by. Changes are evident. You have lesser hair, shinier forehead and seemingly smaller body frame than you used to. What could have stayed the same? Our first exchange of words felt like a fresh breath of air I have never encountered nor expected. I couldn't put my finger on whether I like it or not but one thing for sure, I wanted more of it. It sparked my curiosity and once again, I am on a valiant journey of comprehension and understanding.

Many people I have come across with couldn't comprehend why is it such a significant matter when I choose to know a person deeply. It is significant when it is mutual understanding, effort and intentions. A friend from afar helped me confirm this realisation; think about this, how often do you meet someone so attractive, who gets you on your feet to strike up a conversation with them. For me, hardly. Call me picky, ignorant or selective in admitting people into my social circle but I'm a tad more sensitive and an overthinker whenever I'm showered with attention and treatments that surpass what I think I deserve. I guess it boils down to intention. Make it clear and life will be easier! :)

Side note. The long awaited getaway-cum-self reflection is finally near. I wish to make the most out of it, cherish every moment and live every differences. Whatever the result is on the tenth, I will embrace it and move on for the better.

Oh how do I thank every brilliant soul who have made my life so beautiful and lovely. God bless. Oh and happy August! ♥

Promise - Ben Howard